10 months
10 months….
If I am completely honest, I have gone to write this blog
time and time again! The words were just
not coming to me, I kind of felt I was all blogged out. I mean what’s the point of writing if you
feel you don’t feel you have anything half decent to write. I have been in a
bit of a blog slump, not feeling it and not feeling any urge to do it. I always said I will only write if I get the feeling
too and if I feel it will help me and others. Anyway…here goes.
SO…..today I am 10 months and 3 days sober, to be precise! A
lot has gone on since my last blog. Actually,
the last blog (8 months) I deleted because my family expressed that I had let
to much of my personal life out, in regard to my relationship. When I read it back, I realised they were
right. Some things should stay private
and between us, so lesson learned!
As I was coming into the summer a few months ago, I knew
that I had a few things planned that would involve alcohol. First big thing for me was our family BBQ, I was
so nervous about this, I can’t explain how nervous I was. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of
being around so much drink and expecting to be relaxed. Rob knew how nervous I was, and he tried his
best to understand and in fact he was brilliant and very reassuring. Some people will read this and say “what’s
the big deal about not drinking”. But
for me it is and always was, I am naturally quite an introvert, I wouldn’t go
as far as shy but I have always used drink as my security blanket, my little
confidence boost I suppose. When that is
taken away then what is left, boring old Stacey, well that’s how I see it. When I used to go out with work or my friends,
drink was what made me ‘fun’. Everyone loved
fun Stacey, I would chat to anyone and everyone. I am not a very sociable person, I have my
small group of close friends and my family, I don’t stretch myself any further than
that. Drink made me sociable, drink made
me want to be friends with everyone, love everyone! Anyway back to the BBQ……I was very nervous
because there were lots of people there I didn’t know and I didn’t want to sit
in the corner with my lemonade acting like a shy idiot. As soon as I got there I was at ease, pretty
much straight away. The nervous belly
went, the shakes went (I’m not kidding) and I felt relaxed. I feel relaxed with Robs family of course but
it was everyone else, it was a big do. Everyone
was so lovely and surprisingly I was off and mingling on my own with other
people I had just met. It was a really
enjoyable day. The hard part came in the
evening when the drink was flowing and people were drunk, I was watching them open
bottle after bottle and I wished so much that I was doing that with them. I walked past a lot of alcohol in the kitchen and thought I
could just take a gulp and no one would know, the temptation was real. I was watching them have fun, play music, singing
and having a good time. I sat and
thought is this my life now, being the outsider looking in, I wanted to be
singing and being drunk with them. I sat
imagining being on holiday with them all and how much fun it would be with us
all drinking and playing the guitar and just having an amazing time. I feel the same about my family and watching
them all drinking, singing and having fun, laughing about stupid shit that you
only find funny when drunk. We stayed
until 1am which was a lot later than I thought I would last, I was watching Rob
enjoying himself and I didn’t want to stop for him. The strange thing is that I want to drink and
miss it more when I am with family, mine and Robs than I do just going out to a
bar. I think because its more intimate and special and I feel I am missing
out. The next day I was pretty low tbh,
I felt all the hard work the past 9 months had been pushed away because I was
still relating drink to fun and still cant be in situations without wanting to
drink. I was thinking maybe I could just
drink socially again when with family. We all know how that would end! Not long after, I realised I was being hard
on myself. I haven’t even been sober for
a year so I cant expect everything that I have been programmed to believe, to disappear
in a few months. CUT YOURSELF SOME
F*****G SLACK STACE!!! Another reason I was
low is because I had only recently found out my Mum has cancer which hit me like
a tonne of bricks. My worst fears coming
true, that I would lose my Mum. The fear
I have about my Mum can and has been extreme in the past, it has always been a
big issue for me and sometimes not normal.
I have explained in previous blogs about this and how its become so
overwhelming at times. I always thought that if my Mum died then I would have
to die too, I couldn’t live without my Mum. Of course my rational brain knows
better and knows this couldn’t be the case but that’s how deep it went and
still does. So I was very surprised with myself and how I dealt with it, of
course I was devasted and in private was a mess. But I had an overwhelming feeling that I had
to be strong for my Mum and I had to for once really put my Mum first. My Mum is the most selfless person I know, my
feelings always come before her own. She doesn’t want sympathy, she doesn’t want
me to be scared or upset, so she puts on a brave face and says she is fine and
just kept saying sorry that she was putting us through this! She is unbelievably strong and I am in ore of
her and in my eyes is simply amazing. I
straight away reassured her and Rob that I would absolutely not drink and I meant
it. Of course a massive part of me wanted
to bury my head in vodka and day dreamed of being able to just get completely unconscious
so I could forget it all for one night. I know myself and I couldn’t be so
selfish and put her though that worry with everything else she is dealing with,
I could and would not do that to her.
Today she has started treatment and if I’m honest I am petrified. Outside of bone marrow, it’s the worst treatment
to have in the place she is having it and she is going to go through hell and
back. I have tried to mentally prepare
myself with what’s to come but I am not sure how too. If I could take it all myself, I would in a
heartbeat. This treatment will save her
life but none the less it will be heart breaking watching her go through it. Rob has been amazing, supported me and taken
care of me in ways that I didn’t know I needed.
I don’t let go to much because I get scared I will just break down but
he pushes me to let go and just cry which is sometimes all I need. My step Dad
is amazing, he really has been her rock through this and seeing how he has been
has made me love him even more than I already did, if that’s possible. When my
Mum came out the operation and left the hospital, she said he just burst into
tears which made me cry hearing it. I don’t
think I have ever seen him cry! She has
a long journey ahead of her but she will come through it and be stronger than
ever. I couldn’t be anymore proud of her
if I tried. I love you Mum more than
life itself.
The following week I had my best mates hen do, another thing
I was unbelievably nervous about but again I was very surprised at how easy it
was. I was organising most of it so that
kept me busy and occupied and to be sober and with it for her hen do meant so
much to me because I would actually be able to remember it. Of course I had my moments, but my other best
mate stayed sober with me and another one is pregnant. I realised how old I am actually getting when
we were in the club because that was my breaking point, it wasn’t my scene when
I was drinking, which is why I drank so much in the first place, so being sober
in that environment was a big no no for me!
But I did it and had the best day with my beautiful bride to be and was
100% worth staying sober for. Funnily
enough only a couple of the girls were drunk which shocked me. It showed me that I was the piss head, I was
the liability and I was the crazy one because everyone else was having fun but
no one was legless! Clearly that was only ever me…..
We have recently been to Cornwall for a week with all my
family, we had the most amazing time. I haven’t
been with all my family for over 2 years and not been on a holiday all together
since we were kids. It was for my
brothers 30th and we just had the best time. My older brother and
Rob get along so well and its amazing too see, makes me want them to move back
from Poland so we can do things like that.
My step son Jaden loved my brothers, he just wanted to be with them all the
time and they treated them like there own flesh and blood which was very heart
warming to see. My Mum was meant to be
there but of course couldn’t. We were
all missing her terribly, but we all knew it was the right thing to do. Being Auntie for the week felt amazing, I don’t
get to be Auntie because they all live far away, it was honestly the absolute best
holiday. Rob and I didn’t argue at all,
we barely argue anymore.. Of course
normal bickering as normal lol. The past
6 years we have argued a lot and turns out it was all because of the drinking,
the penny finally dropped. The
difference is that the things that used to get to me just don’t anymore, I can
easily let them go and that is because I am not drinking, my mental state is
just so much better. Rob has totally
relaxed because he isn’t worried about me or worried what might happen
next. I have said this before but the
love I have for that man is out of this world and I will spend the rest of my
life with him. He has helped me become
the best version of me.
I am 2 months away from being a year sober. Since finding out about my Mum, everything
else seems so trivial. Life happens and
not always the way you think it will. I don’t
want to drink, I don’t want to be hungover, I don’t want to be depressed. I want to live, be healthy mentally and physically,
be happy in my own skin, be with my family and the people I care about. Things are going to be hard for a while and
really shit but my Mum isn’t going anywhere and neither are the people I
love. A lot of things are going to
change for me, I can feel it in my bones.
My life is getting better and I am finally starting to love myself again.
I wont take life for granted and the life I have I will enjoy and one day I
will love going out socially and not drinking because the happiness it brings will
outweigh all of that.
So…that’s it for now, until next time.
God bless xxxxxx
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