Day 21 - 3 weeks sober

 

 

So here I am at 3 weeks sober.  So to many people this isn't much of a accomplishment but to my fellow alcoholics its oh so big!  Personally for me however, I am not proud because if I'm honest I knew full well I could get to 3 weeks, quite easily in fact. The hardest thing for me in all this is admitting I am an alcoholic and that I will always have a battle, for the rest of my life.  The last time I gave up drinking it was about 8 months (I think).  Now that was slightly different because there was an end goal in sight and of course that was for me to be able to drink again. Yippee. I had proved to everyone I could drink safely and responsibly, I proved the drink didn't control me and I controlled it. I was doing it to prove to other people and not myself, I was doing it for Rob and my parents so they no longer had to worry.  Not ONCE did I ever think or say that I would remain in sobriety and live a Teetotal life.....I was absolutely no where near ready to say that, plus I was still in denial.  I wasn't an alcoholic, I did not drink everyday, I didn't put gin on my cornflakes. Denial, denial, denial!  Even when I crashed the car in 2017 I didn't stop.  My car was crumpled and I was airlifted to the hospital as they thought I was paralysed.  My car had flipped across the motorway several times and crushed right in and the only bit that didn't crush was my small area in the front!  The nurse said to me the only reason I survived that crash was because I was drunk.  If someone falls out of a window drunk they are less likely to break a bone because they go like dead weight. That is what happened to me!  I had a small scratch and that was it, I remember all the rushing around and all the monitors being put on me, they couldn't move me until knew they knew my back wasn't broken!  I mean seriously, if that doesn't make someone stop drinking then what will.  I did stop drinking initially and I did call a helpline but then my partner and I went to Dubai so how could I not drink out there.....what a sad attitude to have on life eh!  Also back then I had a great excuse, I was going through a divorce, I was in a bad way.  I was so in love with my partner but the breakup really affected me because as I came to learn by my psychiatrist that I suffer with deep abandonment issues.  Who knew, not me!! One of the many things I learnt about myself that year.  So of course the divorce was just an excuse, something to excuse my behaviour, a reason for me to continue drinking. I didn't think of it as an excuse when I was in it but that's what it was because there is never a reason to put my life and other peoples lives in danger...EVER!  I remember after I went to see the car and how bad it was, I just completely broke down. I went to church and cried with a priest, telling him it was my Nanny and Grandad, my guardian angels keeping me safe.  My sons car seat was chopped in half and that was probably the hardest thing of it all.  I would like to think I wouldn't get in the car with them drunk but I really don't know what I am capable of anymore.  My babies are my absolute world, and like any Mother would do anything to protect them. I have only just started to enjoy my weekends without them but before I really struggled with it, I felt like my right arm was missing. So to think I would risk there safety or mine is insane, and that is the danger of drink. 

So the last week has been ok, I am getting more better days atm than bad.  My bad days just consist of crying over nothing, something silly, sort of like how I get with PMS.  Last Thursday I was so emotional and physically and emotionally exhausted, crying to my partner, crying to my Mum.  I have days where realising I am an alcoholic is a wonderful thing, almost a sense of freedom and relief.  Other days I loathe myself, I hate myself for being weak and not being able to be 'normal'.  On these days I really try and tell myself that tomorrow is another day, just get through today and tomorrow you will feel a bit better.  Unless you have admitted something like this to yourself I don't think you will understand it, that's why AA is amazing because these people support you and completely relate to your challenges. Its like opening yourself up for everyone to see and you are standing there feeling so unbelievably vulnerable and practically naked.   The next day however, I felt good, I felt proud of myself and felt like I could breathe again.  I am a real believer in things happen for a reason, I mean seriously, I have had a few rock bottoms in my time but not one of those times have I had a real CONSEQUENCE.  I still have my kids, my partner, my family and friends, my job, my licence.  So how was I ever going to learn.....and the answer is you don't.....not until you are ready to do it for yourself.  No amount of begging, love, or heartache was going to stop me and that's just the sad truth.  Seeing my partner who I love more than anything in tears because he was so scared for me didn't stop me, knowing he worried about me all the time, yet I still lied, I was still sneaky because as long as I could still drink it was ok.  Hearing my Mum, Dad and Step Dad in such a panic and not knowing what to do or who to turn too wasn't enough.  I don't know why or how but 21 days ago after smashing up my car drunk, the light finally came on, the light I have been waiting for so long to come on.  This wasn't as bad as the crash before, no where near but it was bad enough that I blacked out, had no idea how was even in the car or where I had been since I left my house.  "Stacey, do you want to die"? This is what I kept asking myself and of course the answer was no.  I would leave behind 2 children without a Mother, a partner without the love of his life, my parents without there daughter and my best friends without there closest friend.  All for what.....a quick buzz!  This time I had no excuse, I couldn't say I was unhappy or I was upset about something, or anxious about something, I just drank because I could. I thank my angels and god because I know I am looked after and I can finally say after all these years of torment that I never want to drink alcohol again. I still cant believe I'm saying it.  My partner believes it in his gut and so do I and he knows me inside out, sometimes better than I know myself.  Right now I am in my bubble, I have my partner with me every day, I feel safe, I feel protected.  But of course reality will one day hit me and he will be going back to the office and I will be at home in my own thoughts.  Of course I know its not going to be easy but I know I am more determined than I ever have been.  If I pick up one single drink I am taking a 50/50 chance with my life, I am gambling my life.  Like before I went ages without drinking but once I started I eventually ended up back in the same place, it grips me with both hands and wont let go.  So if I went back to drinking socially here and there, I know for a FACT than in 1 week or 1 year, however long it takes, I will be back exactly where I am now.  

I am a very fortunate person, yes I have had some awful past experiences and things that will haunt me forever but what I have got is 2 beautiful children, 2 amazing step children, a partner who is devoted to me in every way possible, 3 amazing parents, 2 very protective and loving brothers, amazing in laws, amazing friends who love me unconditionally, a steady and secure job and a beautiful home and most of all everyone I love is happy and healthy and that is the most important of all.  I try and remind myself of these things nearly every day and I really does help.  Gratitude at its finest. :-)

I have to give a little shout out to my future husband, the love of my life.  I met him at work years ago and my god was it meant to be.  I have never known love like it and he truly is the most amazing partner to me.  Of course we have our rows and I am defiantly the one to lose my shit over something small but this is always about the 4 kids.  A blended family is hard, harder than I ever imagined actually but we did the right thing and waited till we moved in together.  We always put the kids first and we always from day one agreed we would do what was right by them.  I wouldn't change it for the world, I wouldn't change him for the world.  My best friend, my true soul mate in this world and I honestly (not that ever say this) couldn't be without him.  Plus luckily for me he isn't a big drinker lol!

I want to quickly talk about social media.  All over social media is alcohol, its everywhere. All the Mums who take pics of there wine, saying how funny it is that there kids no Mummy loves her wine. For me I have never wanted that, I have never wanted my kids to think, oh Mummy is happy when she has wine and miserable when she doesn't have wine.  All the wine jokes about the holidays and drinking from a bag with a tap etc.  Now I don't know but half of these people probably have some sort of alcohol dependency and by putting it on social media and hearing all the other Mums do it makes them feel better.  In society today with have been led to believe it ok to drink every night indoors and do a bottle of wine or whatever your poison is as soon as your kids go to bed, its just as bad as someone sitting downstairs doing lines of cocaine, its more additive and a much higher killer, its just that drink is legal (wouldn't be if it was invented now). Yet no one is judged for being a heavy wine drinker.  I am fortunate enough that my kids haven't had to witness my drinking because like I said I was a sly drinker.  But I am so pleased that my kids will grow up with an alcohol free Mummy and I am so godam proud and confident I can say that now.  Less showing off about your alcohol consumption I think!

I went to Sainsburys on Saturday and for the first time I went down the drink aisle, we were looking for non alcoholic prosecco for Christmas.  I see the small bottles of gin that I had found in my car the morning after the crash.  I felt sick and overwhelmed with anxiety and wanted to leave.  We got in the car and I got upset, my partner asked what was wrong but I didn't know.  I spoke to my friend and she said even though I don't remember the crash, subconsciously I remember being there and its triggered something. Also just being around all that drink was hard.  The best thing I did that day was talk about it, figure it out and move on.  Job done!

So last night (Monday night) I had my 3rd AA meeting and OMG these women are amazing, I love going to them now. I shared for the first time and I was so unbelievably nervous and shaky, but I did it and some of them got emotional and said how much they relate.  They listened, they didn't judge, they didn't try and give you advise, they just let you speak your truth. The best thing I am learning right now is to just be honest and open 100% because that really is the cure here. A few of them stayed on after the call and spoke to me and told me how brave I was and keep coming back.  A lady called Maureen said called me after and said "Stacey, you are young and have the rest of your life to live, don't do what I did and wait this long to get sober".  These ladies are amazing and I am so fortunate to be apart of this group.

So I have probably bored you all shitless again because I seem to go on and on!

Cant wait to get to my 1 month goal.

All my love Stacey xxx

p.s. here is another song and yes its from Frozen 2 but the words really resonate with me!

 

I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over, the lights are out
Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb
I follow you around, I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor?
But it's not you I'm rising for
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And, with it done, what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing