1 year, 3 months and 5 days alcohol free!
Hello everyone!!
I'm sorry its been a very long time since I last posted, 5 months
to be exact. I have said previously that I will only write my blogs
if it flows naturally and that I will never force it. I just haven’t had the want or need to write
these last few months, aka blog block! 😊 I was actually looking forward to writing my 1-year sober blog, however
it just didn’t happen that way.
I made it to 1 year sober on the 3rd November last
year, it was a strange day. I felt
upset, I felt happy, I felt proud of myself but also fearful. I got taken out for dinner by my beautiful friends
and they brought me a ‘proud of you’ bracelet.
I was so unbelievably touched. My Mum brought me a special keepsake
which I will carry forever, and my partner wrote me a card telling me how proud
he was of me. My mother and father-in-law brought me some beautiful flowers
too. I wasn’t expecting any of it, so I was so touched by the thoughtfulness of
it all.
I suppose I felt upset because it took me right back to that day
of the crash, took me back to where this all started. The upset and pain I had caused people, the selfishness
of my actions over and over again. The pain I had caused my parents and my
partner. These are things that will
never sit well with me and some of the terrible mistakes I have made, however I
am learning to forgive myself as time goes on.
Of course, I felt happy because I am like “WOW, look how far I have come”. I proved to myself most of all that I can do this,
and my life is so much better off now and I am so much happier. I felt fearful because its yet another reminder
that I am an alcoholic and I will never have those few glasses of prosecco to make
me feel lighter and bubbly. I will never
be able to sit in the sunshine with my Mum having some bubbles and then dancing
the night away in the kitchen. I will never
go out with my friends and dance in a bar feeling carefree under the false pretences
of the booze. I wont ever sit in the hot
tub and have a glass of champagne with Rob again or enjoy a drink at Christmas. That still bothers me and still to this day I
think of drinking and being ‘FUN’!! That’s what 25 years of drinking does and the
society we live in has a lot to answer for.
Now if I break all this down into sections and explain to myself……….
·
A few glasses of
prosecco to make me feel lighter – this is a
lie, it would never and never was a few glasses of prosecco. It was a bottle of 2 to get drunk.
·
Sitting in the
sunshine with my Mum dancing in the kitchen –
This was lovely, however my Mum is lightweight and we would be drunk by the
afternoon and would end in tears somehow because we would get all morbid lol.
·
Friends dancing in a
bar – you ask anyone of my friends if they prefer me not
drinking or drinking, they will 100% say NOT DRINKING. That says it all!
·
Hot tub drinking
champagne – yes this was nice, however I always wanted more. 1
bottle wasn’t enough, and Rob wouldn’t have gone and got me more.
·
Christmas and a few
drinks – Rob would always be on edge because he would watch
how much I was drinking and what that then leads too. Christmas is amazing now without it.
I have literally just listed this as I was thinking it, and this
reminds me why I don’t drink and don’t want to drink. I am only 36, I think it’s normal that I feel
like this from time to time, as long as I remind myself why I don’t drink then that’s
all I need to keep going. I accept that
my recovery will have many ups and downs, and that’s ok.
So its now been 15 months and I am still going strong. If I’m honest, its been a very challenging 7
months. As I mentioned before my Mum was
diagnosed with cancer which hit me like a bomb to my heart. Since then my Mum has had her operation to
move the tumour and has been in treatment since. Every step that we got through felt like we
were climbing Everest. It felt like it
drained every ounce of oxygen from my lungs every time something else happened.
I wont get into detail but the treatment
was horrendous, the pain my Mum was is was unbearable, she was being burnt from
the inside out literally. This was
everyday Monday to Friday for 8 weeks. She has been throwing up since September
every single day, most of the time more than once. The pain that causes her throat is pain that you
or I cant even imagine. The ensures (which are what she feeds into her tube
because she cant eat) were making her sick, so every little bit of goodness she
was getting from them were coming straight back out. She has also been on a lot of morphine and
other drugs which also would have affected her stomach. It got worse after her treatment, the burns started
to slowly go and heal up well, however the pain and illness she was suffering with
was awful. A few weeks back she was no
doubt at her worst. She got so ill, she
went down to 6 stone something, she couldn’t walk or speak much. It was like watching my Mum who looks amazing
for her age looking and walking like a 90 year old women. I had to hold her up to help her to the
bathroom and just to get out of bed. I
can honestly say this has all been one of the worst experiences of my
life. Seeing someone you love so much go
through so much pain is unbearable and if I could have taken it away from her, I
would have in a heartbeat. Good news is
that she has started to slowly be able eat, albeit very painful but she forced
herself and she stuck to it. Slowly but surely,
she started to build herself up again. Finally,
last week she had her feeding tube out and she has stopped being sick. She is gaining weight again and she is slowly
starting to do some normal things here and there. The strange thing was, that my Mum started to
recover, and I started to go downhill. I
started to feel pretty low, crying a lot, feeling like I didn’t want to even
get out of bed, signs of depression. I
felt my Mum was in a place where I could be honest with her, so I was. She told me that my emotions have been on
autopilot since her diagnoses and all I have done is try and remain strong for
her. Then she started to get better and I
let my guard down, my wall that I had built up to protect myself and my
Mum. Once it came down, I just let go
and felt all the heartbreak and upset that I wanted to feel before. I have
tried to stay strong not just for my Mum, but for myself and my recovery. I was scared that if I let myself go, then I
might just go and grab that bottle of drink and hit the ‘fuck it’ button. My Mum had her PET scan 2 weeks ago to see if
the treatment worked, I feel like its been the longest 2 weeks ever, and we are
still waiting! So, if you are reading this then please pray for my Mum. Talking of praying, Rob and I went to Canterbury
Cathedral on New Years day for a service which was lovely. At the end Rob and I
went to speak to the priest who stood there with us and prayed for my Mum (this
is when she was very ill) he also said that he will pray at service the following
day. It was very touching and
emotional. 
After that, she
started to recover.
Outside of my Mum, life has been pretty good. My relationship is amazing, we are so
unbelievably happy, my kids are happy, one of my best friends has had a baby girl
called Ivy. OMG she is absolutely
perfect and I already love her so much.
I have some other amazing news about my other best friend but cant share
that unfortunately just yet. Things are
looking positive and feels like we are going to have an amazing summer. Stopping drinking has given me such burst of
life. No, of course its not all roses
and rainbows! However, the ups certainly beat the downs. I have been regularly going
to the gym 4-5 days a week since April last year. I have lost over 3 stone and I feel bloody
amazing. I had no idea I had that amount
to lose, when I told Rob I wanted to lose 2 stone, he said WTF you will be skin
a bone! Well, it turns out I had more
than that to lose and I am now a size 8-10.
Rob doesn’t want me to lose
anymore because I seemed to have become a bit obsessed with it. Like any good alcoholic, my addition went
from one thing to another! I need to
slow down now, so I don’t push myself as much.
I cant stop going to the gym because for me it massively helps my mental
health, more than I ever realised it would. I didn’t go for a week the other
month and I felt like crap! I used to do the treadmill but my god its unbelievably
boring…..I now do classes, weights, dancing and swimming. All the things I enjoy. Still struggle to get motivated when I am due
on though, no amount of gym can sort that out!!
So I feel great in clothes now, however I think where life has been so
stressful lately, I have been getting run down more often and also feeling so
tired a lot. Doctor said my body isn’t storing
iron very well so either take tablets or up the leafy greens and red meat. I hardly eat meat so will have to double up
on popeyes spinach.
I have been out a few times the past 5 months. Rob and I had an awards ceremony in London back
in November with work and it was such a brilliant night. It was black tie so we could get all dressed up. I must admit I felt really good, I felt slim
and good in what I was wearing. Rob
looked pretty dapper himself. He said he
was the proudest man in the room which made me feel extra special. I have been out up London a couple of other
times since then with work friends and had some really good nights. We were all dancing in a club/bar and then it
must have been about 1am and everyone was hammered around me, and at that point
I’m like “Rob, get me out of here”!! I can only last up until a point, main thing
is though I can have fun. I am not ashamed
to tell people and most people who I care about at work know that I am a recovering
alcoholic, and some have stopped drinking themselves. Everyone has been so supportive and
understanding, its shocks me every time that how many people do have a drink problem.
My daughter is at secondary school now and is doing really
well. She is in the top sets in most of
her classes and I am so proud of her. I wouldn’t
care if she was in the middle or lower tbh, I just want her to always try her absolute
best. My baby boy (he is 9 lol, not a
baby) is in year 5 and doing really well.
He is where he needs to be and the teachers are very pleased with
him. We have an amazing weekend in April
coming up for my Mother in Laws birthday.
My father in law is truly one of the most genuine, kindest, generous men
I have ever met. He doesn’t have do half
the stuff he does for his family, but he does it anyway. We have Rob’s brothers
wedding in September which will be fantastic.
With any luck, in between all this we will get abroad for a hot holiday
in the sun. Then there is Rob and my
wedding, we talk about this a lot and have said we want it at his parents house
which we think would be amazing and so personal. However, no one is getting married until a certain
someone asks me!! Ha ha…..stay tuned……
Just remember if you are considering giving up drinking then read
my journey and you will see how happy you can be. No, it’s not a magic potion, however, it will
change your life one way or another.
Give it a go.
I won’t leave it this long till my next blog, so until next time….
All my love
Stacey
Xxx
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