161 days sober - 5 months and 10 days
I
have been in quite some discomfort the last few weeks; my stomach was very
extended. I looked about 7 months pregnant
and I was in a lot pain on and off, I couldn’t even wear trousers because they
were to so tight and painful on my stomach.
I was getting quite concerned, so I was sent for a scan to make sure everything
was ok in my ovaries etc, and everything was fine. The doctor knew my bloods were ok and I was
not losing any unexplained weight. I
have IBS for quite a few now so when the doctor said it could be down to that,
I said no! I had never had bloating like that before and certainly not with pain. I decided to cut gluten and wheat out which
is known to be bad for IBS sufferers, however my strictness had gone out the
window since lockdown and was eating gluten and wheat as normal. My stomach
within a few days went down dramatically! Not that I am diagnosing myself, but I have
been doing my research and all the symptoms for celiac disease is what I have
had.
- Abdominal pain
- Bloating
- Constipation and diarrhoea
- Folate deficiency
- Itchy rashes
This is
something you can get later in life and not something that is just developed as
a child. I will need to have a lot more
tests done and right now I don’t want that lol! I was also tested for auto
immune in my blood and that’s what I had, people with autoimmune problems can get
it. So, for now I have cut out all gluten,
even down to my muesli. I can’t and won’t
risk having another flare up like that and I know for sure that wasn’t just IBS.
Now I have
cut out gluten and wheat, I have a bit more energy and don’t feel as
sluggish. Just in time for my gym to
start! I started on Monday and have gone
everyday. I absolutely love it,
especially the outdoor swimming. It
feels like pure luxury and I get to work from there too which is a bonus. I know the working out is going to be so good
for my mental health, even just going for a swim sets me up nicely for the
day. I will definitely stick to it
because the benefits are just amazing, even after only a week or change of diet
and exercise.
AA
I am still
going to my AA meetings on a Monday evening (women only) and I love it. They are not always easy to listen too but if
anything, I sometimes come away feeling unbelievably grateful. Some of these ladies have had no support and have
remained with heavy drinkers, some have not been encouraged to stop. I couldn’t imagine that. I have the most supportive partner in the world,
the most supportive parents and friends.
If Rob was a drinker then I would struggle massively but thank god he is
not. He would 100% go tee total if that’s what I wanted. I hear
some horrific stories which of course I cannot speak about but all I will say
is that these women I know are a true inspiration and have gone through hell
and back. I have a sponsor now and she
is lovely, we are currently doing step 2 of the 12-step programme. Speaking to
her is like having my own therapist on hand.
She understands how I feel and would never ever judge me. She asked me what my rock bottom was, and I said
I had many! Maybe it is a spiritual awakening, I don’t know. Maybe its God, maybe its my loved ones in heaven,
maybe its just the end of the road for me.
It could be any of these things, but I try to over think it because I am
just so blessed that I finally got there.
I am proud and excited to have a life without a drop of alcohol in
it. I have a hell of a long way to go
but I want it so badly this time that nothing will get in my way. I have been listening to Joe and Charlie of
AA (podcast) they are great to listen too.
I like the American accents because one of them sounds like Frank Sinatra
and that is comforting to me for some reason, maybe it’s a childhood feeling? So these two very funny blokes read from the
AA big book. According to the “doctors opinion”
we (us alcoholics) have an allergy to the booze. When we take our first drink, its sets of an allergy
and we then have the craving reaction to want more and more. If you don’t take the drink, the physical craving
won’t be there. You may want a drink but
won’t have a physical craving. I think
it was Charlie that said something amusing.
He was on a plane and was watching this man order himself a vodka and
soda, not even 2 of these tiny bottles, just the 1!! He then poured it out with
his mixer and just started stirring calmly, he then put the stick down and
picked up his paper and started reading.
Now to us drinkers, this is not normal.
The first thing you do its pick the drink up and take a nice big gulp,
we want to get the hit as quickly as possible.
To “normal” drinkers this is normal behaviour, pour the drink and leave
it there. This did make me laugh because
I could never pour a drink and not touch it, I have tried when out for a meal
with Rob. I know he is watching so I
leave it there while I order my meal.
Its like torture because I am now desperate for the drink to get into my
body. There have been times that I have
gone out for dinner with Rob and had a glass of 2 of wine, but let me tell you,
it has taken everything in my power to not want more. Actually I lie, I did want more but just knew
I couldn’t. If I was allowed, then I would
have gone and got another bottle or two and got drunk. The wonderful, amazing benefit of not being
allowed to drink freely in the house has probably saved me. The reason I drank in secret was because Rob has
always known about my drinking problem, so it was a no no for me indoors. To be honest, with the kids at home I wouldn’t
have anyway, well not yet anyway! I would always do it without them
around. But who is to say that if I was allowed
to freely drink wine indoors that I wouldn’t have become physically addicted
and the drink really would have become my first love. I mean I do try to kid myself, I say I wasn’t
addicted but then who gets gin and tonic at 9am after taking kids to school,
who drink drives. I kind of was putting
drink before my kids and family. My sponsor
said, there are many things I have not done…yet!! If I went back to drinking, I would be even
worse than I was before and that is a FACT.
I am not drinking because I enjoy it, I am drinking for the buzz
feeling. A good few months back now I
took to many pills, not purposely of course.
Because I had been drinking I forgot how many tablets I had taken and I also
mixed them. I fell asleep and woke up
about 1am that morning wondering what the hell had happened. Rob was beside himself, he said that I have
no idea how dangerous mixing drugs can do, plus I had mixed with night nurse. He said one day you will accidently kill yourself.
It sounds dramatic, but I really have had so many chances at life and I truly
believe a higher power turned it all around for me.
So for me now,
I am concentrating on healthy (non gluten) foods and exercise. To feel good about myself again but mainly to
feel good mentally which in turn will stop me drinking, continue with my AA and
the steps and just don’t ever stop trying to better myself. I had some issues with my ex husband and
payments etc and I got so stressed out with it all as its just continuous that I
realised, normally I would have gone for the bottle. My ex is a great Dad and loves our children
more than life, however as an ex husband he is an arse hole lol! It comes across bitter but I don’t think it
is. I sit there and think some people don’t
know how lucky they are to not have to stress every week or month just to get
paid what is legally yours. I don’t and
would never ask him for a penny extra than what he gives me, all I ask is its
paid and on time. I don’t call and ask
for his opinion or help or any support in that way, I have to much pride and
can discipline and take care of my own children. My partner however is wonderful, he is a
great Dad and supports and listens to all the crap that comes his way. You will always have people that play the victim,
or people that moan because they have to do everything. I have said before my kids go to there
Grandparents every other week for 2 nights, now if I could have that not happen,
I would! I don’t want them gone but its
what they are used to and what they want so of course I wouldn’t change
that. I am there Mum, and it is my job
and my job only to raise them and nurture them.
They see their Dad and have fun and his house with his family and then
come home to me. It may sound possessive,
but they are young for such a short space of time that I want to lap up every
minute. I have read up so much about
puberty and periods etc, because I know I have all that to come with my
daughter. I need to understand her bad
moods and anger and realise what she may be going through. My step son is going through all those
changes at the moment. He is grumpy, has
attitude and grunts! Everything is a
hardship with him, but I tell Rob all the time it’s his hormones, he is going
through so many changes right now. He is
such a good boy really with a brilliant character and is even well behaved at
school. He gets a few bad marks here and
there but that is it. If Charlie my son
is that behaved in big school I will be over the moon! I probably have more
problems with my youngest step son, I love him to pieces but he is a very
unique young man and you really need to understand him properly. I am not good with sensitivity, but I really
have to try around him because he can get upset a lot if he is told he doing
something wrong. He has said a few
times to me about calling his Mum because I have told him off, which is about
control. We both agreed he wouldn’t say
it anymore and he just says it out of anger and I have told Charlie under no
circumstances should he ever say to his Dads girlfriend, I would be mortified,
and he should accept the telling off. I will discipline them all the same, no
one gets special treatment. My daughter and eldest step son are a dream
compared to my youngest and my youngest step son! 😊 All that said, I am very fortunate to have 4 amazing children, they are
all great kids but of course shared parentship can be hard. One parents advise is never hit back, the
other parents is absolutely hit back, and I always say to all of them…..DO not
play the victim!! We need one big family holiday where they can run around and
be kids instead of being trapped indoors!
I cant wait for the future, yes it will be hard at times with my ongoing
issues but overall I am so much and will continue to be so much happier…..xxxxx
Thank you
for reading.
Lots of love
Stacey
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