93 days alcohol free - 7 days till 100 days milestone

Happy Friday everyone!  Who don't love Fridays, I love them more when I don't have to home school! I have decided to not let the kids to work today, I have spoken to the teachers and they have said it is up to me and only I can make that judgement. They both have such lovely and supportive teachers. Luckily they are where they need to be in terms of education and I don't have that added stress of them falling behind.  My 8 year old is so good at maths and puts me to shame (oh dear)!  They stayed with there Grandparents last night which they love and then we are going to have a movie day today and snuggle on the sofa.  

My PMS is starting and so far so good, apart from the odd spot, my mood does not seem to bad!  I am hoping the Angus Cactus are going to have an effect. Fingers crossed. I may have just tempted fate completely there! This week with home schooling was so tiring, I try and be positive as much as I can but sometimes no amount of positivity helps with this shit!!  😆

We have half term in a couple of weeks which I cant wait for.  I have asked there Dad to try and get a couple of days off to have them.  I said to him "I need a break"! Now anyone that knows me knows I never ever say that, I am there Mum and I do not need a break from my children.  But being in this situation day in day out, home schooling etc, I have finally succumbed! I think my ex husband was shocked that I said it.  I then felt bad because I thought some parents get no break, they have there kids 24/7 and don't get any let up and at least I have every other weekend to recharge my batteries.  This is how my brain works.  I mean why should I feel bad for needing a bit of help during this time, I have the situation where I can, but I just battle with myself.  I always want the kids back after the weekend but I have said they can stay for a couple more days after next weekend lol!  

So I am 93 days in not drinking today, 100 days in 1 week, yay!!  I would be lying if I said it gets easier, it doesn't!  The one blessing is lockdown and then on the other hand its not.  It's a blessing because Rob is here all the time and I don't need to go out and socialise around drinking, I don't have the urge to drink indoors so I am basically in my own little bubble.  Its not a blessing at the same time because the home schooling is stressful, exhausting, no freedom etc.  When I feel strong emotion and stress I want to drink.  So many Mums use alcohol to get through lockdown, I know a few! If I started cracking open the wine most nights then I would eventually be wanting to have it earlier and earlier! Rob and I are watching a series we are addicted to atm and watching them drinking makes me want to have one.  Not so much that I would but I look at them and imagine that red wine going down my throat, giving me that instant warm and relaxed feeling.  When I said this to Rob he didn't understand and said that is why I cannot drink.  I disagree and said to him to imagine if he was giving up smoking and he had to stop cold turkey and was told he cannot have a fag again.  He would look at the person smoking and would quickly remember the feeling he gets when he lights up, that hit in your throat, the relaxed feeling he gets.  I said most people who drink regularly and are told they cannot drink would feel the exact same, its just a natural feeling and how the brain works.  So of course after I put it like that he 100% agreed.  I still battle in my own head after 3 months of not drinking, I still see and know other people that drink so much more than I ever have, I know children who tell me they see there Mum drunk a lot and how Mum loves her wine! I think "well I wasn't like that" my kids rarely saw me drink and rarely saw me drunk and never at home.  95% of the time I am fine, Rob and I have the most amazing weekends away, staying up till 3am drinking and having such a good time together.  But then there is the other side of me, doing it in secret, getting that odd drink here and there, giving me that little buzz to get me through my pms, and then there is a small % of me going to far and being in the wrong headspace and getting in my car and smashing it up. Not once but twice!  I know my life is better without drink, my relationship is amazing and we are so happy.  We only ever rowed about kids or drink and we don't argue about either anymore.  Our ex partners don't cause any grief so its safe to say we are so happy. I said to Rob that the lying used to eat me up because I am not a liar but when drink was involved I was.  I am a lot more open and Rob loves it when I talk so openly, he is so supportive.  He said to me the other day that I am platinum inside and out and it upsets him when I am so hard on myself, he said I am the most amazing Mum he knows (apart from his own Mother of course) and even though I don't believe these things myself, its amazing that he says such beautiful things.  He knows me like no one has ever known me and its like he knows the insides of my soul.  The only person who knows me like that is my Mum.  So all this battling in my head is just the drink devil trying to get me to drink again, telling me its ok, you're normal Stacey!! This is why its so important to for me to keep doing this blog and doing what I am doing.  I know summer will be hard but I am trying to think of that atm...deep breaths Stace!  

Some people have messaged me asking where Rob and I met.  So we met at work 9 years ago, our company merged with his at the time and that's where is started.  I was with my then fiancé and getting married the following year and he was also in a long term relationship.  We only ever spoke as colleagues and then became friends and that was that for years. Of course there was an instant attraction for both of us but neither of us would have moved on that.  In January 2016 me and my ex husband separated, it was a heart breaking time, I had started to fall out of love with him because of reasons I wont put on here but none the less losing my family was devastating for me and I went down a downward spiral.  Rob at a later date separated from his partner and he struggled big time, not because of his ex but the same reasons as me, the kids!  We had both come from separated homes and did not want the kids to suffer in anyway.  But of course if there is no love or attraction to a person anymore, you simply cannot stay for the kids, that's worse than actually separating.  I got a divorce in 2018 and Rob was never married, he never wanted to marry or had any want to marry.  I assumed he wasn't the marrying kind but we 100% want to get married and cannot wait to start that next chapter.  We moved in together in 2018 and it was the best thing we did.  We knew how much we loved each other but we wanted to take it slow in regards to moving in because of the children which is why we waited and I am glad we did.  We have moments like probably many people do about there pasts, we wish we had met sooner etc but at the same time we cant regret our pasts because our 4 children came out of it so you simply cant regret it.  It certainly wasn't easy as anyone would know with a breakup.  I wont start knocking my ex husband because he is a great Dad but he certainly didn't make it easy in the first few years, he actually put me through hell and back. He wasn't the most supportive of people especially not financially, I had to house our kids with not a lot of money and then go on benefits which I never wanted to do.  He had an ex who was insane and Rob and I had deal with so much shit from her.  It was just awful.  Luckily he is now with a lovely women who the kids love which makes me very happy. We are now ok and in a good place, we were friends before we got together and  I have known him for 30 years so never wanted to lose our friendship, but of course we were both hurting and things get said. He  He was always more of a best friend than a husband if I'm honest. will always be my friend, however much I want to kill him some days. 👿 Or I have to still practically beg him to pay child support on time! That's why I have always said how amazing Rob is because he has done so bloody well by his boys, financially and emotionally. He always went above and beyond and is an amazing Father and step Father.  He is the man I was meant to be with and thank god I met him, I plan on spending the rest of my life with him.  The rest as they say is history! 

Its actually starting to feel like spring which I love love love! Days get longer, flowers start to bloom. I pray that kids will go back to school next month and life can get back to normal for everyone.  Rob and I plan to book a holiday to Dubai as soon as we know we can so I cant wait for that. Hopefully a family holiday in August too, we loved Turkey but we will see. Better days and better months are on there way. 

I am going to collect my kids now, they cant wait for today bless them, a couple of films and ice cream and they are in heaven lol!  We have all 4 kids this weekend and I hope the weather stays nice so we can get out for a bit. Will try and drag my step son from his Xbox!  Rob knows that in a few years time, the less he will want to come over because understandably he will want to be out with his mates at the weekend and not here with the other 3 younger ones.  Its already happened with my friends 13 year old which is a real shame.  So we want to make the most of it.  They are all getting older so quickly, the only one is my son Charlie who is the baby of the family and boy does he know it! 💙

Someone sent me this the other day that made me smile!  Hopefully it does you too. xxx

All my love, 

Stacey