116 days - 3 months and 24 days

So here I am 116 days into be alcohol free (YAY!)  I have been quiet with my blog the last couple of weeks, things have been busy and full on and still the daily home schooling us Mums have to do.  What great news about the 8th March though eh?  I am so excited for the kids to go back to school and for me to go back to work.  Just having that sense of normality and routine again.  Obviously like all of us I hate home schooling, however I want it more my kids.  I want them to see there friends and having that social interaction again and although they haven't fallen behind, I still want them back to 'normal' learning. We found out if my daughter gets into her grammar school on Monday so quite anxious about that.  I must say I have had a couple of emotional moments leading up to this.  The other day I just burst into tears to Rob, feeling scared and worried that she wont like it, will it be to much for her to cope with, she will wont know anyone and will it be such a nerve wracking time for her.  I haven't had any of these worries up until now, I guess it all of a sudden hit me that she is leaving primary school. I have been having dreams about her being older, having trouble falling asleep because my brain is overthinking.  As Rob said, if she is not happy there then we take her out so nothing is set in stone. I also feel a lot of pressure on me because ultimately it was my decision and that is the choice I chose for her and one the teacher helped me to decide.  As you have probably picked up by now, I am quite the control freak so even though her Father and her step father had an input, I would have made the final choice.  She has her leaving prom in July so we need to buy her a dress.  She doesn't like dresses and has not wore one in a couple of years, I cant wait to see her in one if that is what she decides to do.  So I told her "Mummy will be emotional on that day!" Her reply was "Mummy, you were emotional with each new school year I went into", especially going into year 6!" I actually don't realise I am that bad!! I look at her and think how have a produced such a beautiful, intelligent, caring young lady.  She has so much to come, puberty, periods, lots of pressure in school and I want to be there through every single part and for her to be as open and honest with me about everything.  We have such an honest relationship now, she asks me everything and I open with her about it.  I pray it continues that way.  She alone makes me want to stay sober, it makes her so happy that I don't drink.  She has never seen me in such a bad way and so far I have shielded her but even when I did drink around the on the odd occasion and I would start dancing and singing, she would hate it and go funny with me.  To her it wasn't her Mum and she knew by drinking that stuff it made me be silly and she knew the difference.  Kids are certainly not silly are they.  

Lots of great news about the lockdown roadmap, there is a light at the end of the tunnel at long last.  I am definitely looking forward to it, however I am slightly anxious about it as well.  Since the crash at the beginning of November we have been practically in lockdown.  By that I mean Rob has been here by my side 24/7.  For me, the thought of him leaving and going to work makes my blood go cold.  My safe bubble would burst and normality would commence.  Now although this is good because of course a healthy life and relationship means freedom, time apart etc.  For me this means I 'could' if I wanted to have a drink and I could get away with it.  He didn't know if I had a drink that day, I would make sure I had one or two early and that way by the time he got home at 8pm the smell was gone.  I know I am going to have good and bad days and its the bad days I worry about.  I know it sounds like negative thinking but I need to be honest with myself first and foremost.  I cant say after 116 days that seeing alcohol is getting easier.  I am ok most of the time seeing bottles of wine and normally just walk straight by them, but when I am in a smaller shop like our local one I always see little mini vodkas.  I still get that feeling in my mouth and throat, my jaw clenches with the thought of having it. This always brings me back to reality and reminds me how long my journey will actually be.  Coming out of lockdown also means socialising, family BBQ's, garden get togethers, weekend trips away. Now of course I love this BUT this means being around lots of booze.  My family like a drink and so do Robs side, so either one of these summer BBQ's will have lots of prosecco flowing.  I know full well I will struggle with this, seeing everyone's moods get lighter and happier and the wine keeps flowing.  I said to Rob maybe I just don't go to these things and he take the kids. He said he would hate that and wouldn't feel comfortable.  So we came up with plans.  If we are at my parents then I leave early and he can stay and come home later...job done!  If we go to his parents then I stick to his Mums hip like a leach because she doesn't really drink at all.  I also can go to bed at his parents house and stick a film on and leave them all to it.  Either way I know I wont feel 100% comfortable but I guess this is just one of the many hurdles I have to do.  If I was pregnant or any medication I wouldn't give a rats arse about drinking but because I know I can drink but my head is telling me I cant, it makes it harder.  Like a child really, when they are told to not do something so they want to do it even more!!  We are only in March so hopefully by then I will be 7 or so months sober and will hopefully be a little easier (I HOPE). Rob and I decided to join a gym after lockdown which I can go to before or after work, if I have time I can also go in my lunch break and can even work from there and have a coffee after a class.  I will also go into the office more often and go to Mums when I can.  I want to try and break the week up so I am not home on my own every day.  Rob has said he will also work from home 2 days a week, so we have a lot of positive planning in place. As I said apart from the not having the safe bubble, I cannot wait to get back to normal, having summer days again, dinners in the garden, Trips to our fav place Fowey. Days out with the kids at long last.  OMG I cannot wait. We have also booked a trip to Cornwall with my family for my younger brothers 30th in August, my other brother, his wife and children are coming over from Poland and my Mum, Step Dad and Dad will be there. Pus 8 kids! I love that my Step Dad and Dad can do that as one big family.  I certainly couldn't imagine doing it with the ex partners Maybe in 30 years lol! I definitely want to try and go abroad with them in the couple of years so fingers crossed we can make that happen. Another thing that has come back up is my best friends hen do, this is the 3rd time of planning, 1st one was Marbella, 2nd one was Liverpool and 3rd one is London!  So Liverpool was booked and when Boris said about everything opening back up, I started to shit myself.  I was so torn because she is my best friend of 35 years and I know she wants me there and I want to be there more than anything.  The place we had was to sleep 20 of us and it would a lot of fun if I was drinking,  The thought of going to a club and then back with 20 women who are drinking, drunk and crazy is my worst nightmare.  Now people can go to these places sober and not drinking but I 100% cant.   As I have said before I am an introvert and only comfortable around family and friends, hence why I needed drink to go on nights out at work and clubs etc.  Then turn into this sociably fun butterfly and everyone thinks I am so much fun!  Don't get me wrong I am not shy at all and can be sociable with most but to become fun and and crazy on a night out, I need the booze!  I didn't want to break this to my friend about not coming, seeing as I am the one planning it along with the other bridesmaids but I didn't have a lot of choice.  Rob said he would travel to Liverpool with me and come and collect me and take me back to a hotel he got for us, I mean how thoughtful can you get!! I spoke to my Mum and she told me that now is the time to put myself first, to not worry about other peoples feelings and for once put my own mental health before thinking of others.  I didn't want to upset my best friend and I also didn't want her to change plans for me but I had to be honest, and I was.  She has been there for since day one so of course I knew she wouldn't get funny.  She has been unbelievably supportive and there for me day in day out.  Anyway it turned out we had to change it in the end to London, this means I get to go and I then get to come straight home when I start to feel uncomfortable.  Rob is also away that weekend so my other best friend has said she wouldn't drink and would come home with me.  I will probably stay in a room with her in London and that way I don't need to go to the club etc.   Of course I will still be anxious but I will push through that because I want to be there my beautiful bestie on her hen do.  Plus I need to get her back for some of the things she made me do on my hen do. 👅👍

So apart from the above, everything has been good.  Life is plodding along nicely, being sober is seriously good for my mental health. The angus tablets I have been taking for a while now have really taken the edge of my PMS so will 100% continue with them.  Rob and I have decided to lower my medication like the doctor suggested so eventually I will only be on 50mg a day, I will then have to decide if to change to what the doctor recommended or stay on 50mg or come of completely.  Will see how I go with lowering the dose first.  Rob worries that if I get bad then that's when I will want to drink so we have just got to take it slow.  I feel like my life is in such a good place and I am positive about a lot of things and the good thing about not drinking is that you get to look so deep into yourself, really analyse yourself.  Even this blog has helped me out so much, having somewhere to write it all down.  So I think that it will take a lot to make me want to drink, the urge may be there, seeing it maybe be hard but actually wanting to do it is a different story.  My therapist used to tell me to write things down and I hardly ever did because I hate writing and couldn't think what to write.  This blog is better because I feel like it can help someone who may have been in the same boat as me, so I feel like there is a purpose to it than just me and plus I am a quick typer.  

My broodiness has stepped up a gear, everywhere I look on Instagram they're a babies and pregnancy.  I don't know if its because I am getting older and feel a sense of lack of time or that I am simply craving to have a baby again.  The kids would love it so much, my daughter and youngest step son are begging me to have a baby bless em.  My step son who is 10 actually told me he knew what sex was, so I quickly ushered my youngest son out the bedroom and he told me and my daughter what he thought it was. He was spot and went into quite graphic detail, I found it hilarious.  He then went on to say that he finds it really strange that he's Mum and Dad would have done that to make him because they are not together.  I said they would have had to do that to have you.  Molly then said why is it weird, my Mum and Dad would have done that too.  At this point Rob walks in and hears all this and quickly said no one wants to think of that happening so stop talking about it lol! Makes Rob feel sick and I certainly dont want to think of that!!! My step son went on to say, please can you do it and make a little sister for me.  I wanted to say, if only it was that easy babe!   If only there wasn't so many ifs and buts.  My heart says baby, my head says I love it how it is.  I reckon my deadline is 38 so we shall see what happens, my maternal instincts may start to fade! Maybe there is never a right time or if I am unsure then I shouldn't! So many ifs and buts....

p.s. My brother kindly pointed out to me that my grammar is awful so I just want to say that I don't proof read it.  I like to just publish so its completely raw and from the heart, so I apologise for all the errors. 

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, I honestly am so grateful and your responses to me are incredible.  

Here is to the next few months and finally seeing the light at the end of this shit storm. 

Lots of love 

Stacey 

xxx