69 days alcohol free - Not easy
Lockdown number 2!
PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder)
My kids were with there Nan and Grandad at the weekend, they couldn't see there Dad due to a pending Covid test (luckily negative now). Rob and I (well more me) needed a break, just a couple of days to potter and relax and just think of ourselves. I needed to recharge the batteries big time and just have some me time. Also I am so fed up like all Mums with having to repeat myself a 100 times a day for the kids to do just the most littlest task! So relaxing is exactly what I did, I watched films, I knitted (yes I knit at the age of 35!!) I finished my book, we had baths, Rob done gardening which he loves. Just what we needed. Plus the kids were actually desperate to see there Grandparents and I think just to get out the house and be somewhere different is what they needed. Saturday night I started to feel slight anxiety coming on, my chest tightens and feel like something heavy is constantly sitting on it. Maybe I should start smoking weed to relax me :-). I couldn't have been more relaxed if I'm honest but that feeling still didn't go away. Rob can pretty much tell straight away when my PMS starts to come on, he knows when I am due on better than me sometimes! So I have been told before that I may suffer with PMDD as its very common for people who have suffered with trauma.
Symptoms of PMDD
- mood swings
- Upset or tearful
- angry or irritable
- anxiety
- hopelessness
- tension or being on edge
- difficulty concentrating
- overwhelmed
- lack of energy
- less interested in activities you normally enjoy
- suicidal thought
- Bloated
- pain in muscles and joints
- headaches
- change of appetite
- sleep problems
The ones in bold are what I have, however every month differs. Normally the worse my symptoms the heavier my period will be! I am pretty in tune with my cycle because I have had to be and actually the more you know the easier it can become with knowing what to do. Around lunchtime today I wanted a drink, not that I will have one but the urge is there. The only way to explain it is having a drink will make my shoulders drop which instantly relaxes me, but of course that's only if you can STOP at one which sometimes I could and other times I couldn't. Always 50/50 for me which of course is the risk and the gamble every time I secretly drank behind my partners and parents back. I looked at my 'Moody App' and of course I am 5 days away from my period. This was always one of my biggest triggers when I was drinking. I am so fortunate to have my a partner who understands all this, well as much as man can understand lol! He tells me to take care of myself, get to bed early, he will take care of me if I let him. He is not a big drinker at all, makes him feel shit if he has to much and he certainly is not a drinker in the house so I really am lucky to have such great support. Realising I was due on I decided to organise all the weekday dinners and what we are having each night, now I know this sounds trivial but when I have next to no energy I need to be organised. Thinking of what to eat each night does my head in! I don't really eat dinners and I am not particularly fussed about food, I would happily have some cheese and crackers and a cuppa and that's me done, however I have children and Rob to think about! So I wrote the list and went shopping, got home and cooked at fish pie so all I had to do was stick in the oven at dinner time!! That to me is winning!!! :-) I am normally a organised person but with dinners I am one week and then not the next, since Christmas its been more not.
It really is so important to take some time for self care, even if that is just having early nights. I love getting into bed with a good book and a cup of tea and falling asleep early. Or a nice bath with your favourite smelling bubble bath, putting on a mask, and then smothering yourself in your favourite body cream. Mostly, just be kind to yourself, this is still one I need to do more, when I have these times
Back to Kat!
I speak to a lovely lady once a week on a Monday. She didn't call me last Monday as she had covid. We had a chat about that and how it affected us mentally and physically. She said to me that I should feel unbelievably proud of myself for not drinking especially with everything else as well. So for that moment I did feel proud. I am not one to easily feel proud of myself or give myself praise but for that 5 minutes I did. She also said about PMDD and it sounds very similar to hers so she have me some ideas on vitamins to take.
- Agnus Cactus 2000mg
- Evening Primrose
- Vitamin B complex which I did start taking
She said that they take the edge of the PMDD, so I think I will give these a go. Its worth a shot at least. When I do actually come on, I am so heavy because I have a copper coil, (I am not allowed additional hormones lol) The heaviness makes me tired but I can deal with tiredness, just not the other stuff! She has said I should consider going back to the doctors about my sertraline which I have been on for 10 years. It may not be helping anymore and should be looked at, so I will do that for sure. She said to carry on doing and that I am her model student and she wants to do a case study on me!!! Well that's the first time I have been called a model student!!!! Ha ha. She suggested that I rethink about going back to to Kat who was my psychiatrist a year or so ago, "it wont do any harm" she said. So I am going to seriously consider that now and it was one of the best things I did and helped me in so many ways. I have said in previous blogs, I don't need to go over my past, I needed to understand how my brain works which she 100% helped with.
Gratefulness
So I try and remember what I am grateful for when I feel like shite....so here goes....
My partner - I am truly blessed to have this man in my life. He truly is one of a kind, caring, loving, trustworthy and amazingly supportive. Don't get me wrong no one is perfect, he certainly is a stubborn man but just not as stubborn as me! When we have rows, they can sometimes explode but the passion we have between us is something that I have only ever seen in movies and certainly nothing I have experienced. I thank God that I met him when I did, I trust him with my life and soul and the first person I have given my whole heart too because I know he will not break it. We cant wait to one day get married and will probably do it in secret because I certainly dont want the big white wedding again and plus we will both be a balling wreck of tears!! We know how blessed we both are, not sure if I believe in soul mates but if I did then he is definitely it. The man who walk on fire to protect me, who makes me feel more loved than any man ever has or will again. He may not have been my first kiss but certainly my last. And lastly he is the best step daddy to my kids and I love him even more for that. Ok you can go throw up now with all the love shit!!!
My children - My god where do I start with these 2. They are my life, my world. One thing that can make me lose my sanity is over the protection of them. My daughter was my little miracle, she saved me and made me a Mummy. I am so unbelievably proud of the young lady she is becoming, kind, clever and beautiful. Our bond is something I truly hope we have forever. My baby boy who I still think of as a baby even though he is 8 lol! He is still so bloody cute in my eyes, he is definitely the more feisty one and loves a bit of banter like me, he is sensitive but not to sensitive, he is kind, clever and extremely loving. They are both happy and healthy children and I know the one thing I have got right in life is my 2 babies and the one thing I am proud of myself for is raising them because I haven't done a bad job so far.
My Family - My parents are in my eyes the most amazing parents I could ever ask for. My Dad is 71 and is fitter than most people my age, he goes running everyday (around 7 miles) looks in his late 50s and is very healthy. He likes a beer, going to the pub etc, but as he got older has cut right back and really limits himself. I don't think I have ever seen my Dad drunk in my life. He supports me in every way possible and I am so grateful that he takes care of himself. He lives in Cornwall and lives alone, always has since my parents separated. He never wanted a women when we were growing up as we came before anything and everyone. As time went on he just thought women are to much grief, ha ha! He is very selfless Dad, never asks for anything emotionally or never puts anything on me, he has always protected and shielded me from as much as he could. He is the person I wont let read this blog because I cant bring myself to let him hear the past and stuff that happened.
My Mum - well I have probably said that my Mum and I have an amazing bond, she only has to speak to me to know something is wrong. Again she is completely selfless, never puts anything on me, never asks for anything, which I take for granted sometimes because I think everything is rosy all the time. My Mum is very healthy now, she used to be a heavy smoker but she got COPD and she gave up. I never thought she would and I was so so proud of her. She goes to gym 3 times a week and is in good shape, rarely drinks and especially now I have gave up. She is amazing and I feel so lucky. My Step Dad who has been in my life since I was 11. I will eventually write a post about my parents separation as it was pretty traumatic, but safe to say I did not like him let alone love him. I now and have done for many many years loved him with all my heart, he is a second Father to me and he is also very protective of me. He is there for me no matter what and I love him deeply. My two brothers who I miss so bloody much, again very protective, my older one was very protective during my 20s, at the time I hated it but as you get older you realise its because they just love you so much. We love singing and dancing together and I cannot wait for the next family get together where we can strut our stuff. I love them more than anything and miss them so much. My in laws - I am very fortunate to have amazing in laws, my partners Mother is probably one of the most supportive, understanding, non judgemental person you will ever meet. I love and miss going away with them so much as its so relaxing and chilled. She certainly raised a bloody wonderful man who I can call mine. I don't say it to them often but I love them very much and I am blessed to have them in my life.
My friendships - I have 4 very close friends who I love so much. I have known one of them all my life, the other one since I was probably 6 and the others I have known since I was a young teenager. Its not often that you have friends that you go through all walks of life with, through each phase. We have been there through the ups and downs and will forever be there. I couldn't imagine my life without them, they are truly special girls who I will love forever and who have been there for me and me them from the beginning and will be till the end. Girls, if you read this you are my soul mates, the loves of my life and I love you with every inch of my heart. Thank you for being there for me and I am always there for you. My rocks. xxx
All my family and friends have there health so when you are having a bad day just remember what you do have and try and think of at least one thing you are grateful for. It can certainly help me.
Hopefully we all come out of this lockdown in one piece, fingers crossed.
I am off to bed with my book and hot chocolate.
p.s. sorry for spelling and grammar mistakes. I try not to read through my work so it stays as raw and honest as possible!
Lots of love
Stacey
x
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