61 days - 2 months alcohol free!
The last few weeks have really tested me and my mental health, to say its been shit is putting it lightly. So as I said in my last post I was quite unwell and turns out I had COVID. The first week I was ill, I just rested and tried to get better. I thought I was getting better so went out to get what I needed and got everything I needed to get done before Christmas. Luckily I had wrapped most of the presents weeks ago so only had a little bit more to do. Obviously I didn't know I had COVID at this point otherwise I wouldn't have gone out. It was only until I lost my taste and smell that I realised that it could be. Then Christmas day came and I had turn, not just physically but mentally. The only way I can describe it is that it felt like I was on drugs, my mind was completely foggy, I was paranoid, I thought I couldn't breathe and would have to go to the hospital. It felt like I wasn't in my own body, I was spaced out and I kept crying. It sounds dramatic but I felt like I had been spiked or something. It was awful and now I know that it can be a symptom of COVID. I then felt pure and utter guilt that I had let my children down and not given them a good Christmas, that I hadn't given them enough of my attention. I didn't want to eat, I kept going hot and cold and just wanted to go to bed. At this time my partner was also starting to come down with it and was not feeling great. The next day I just felt black, like a dark cloud was over me. The kids were going to there Dads and my step children were coming over. The right thing to do would have been to have a test and for the boys not to come over but hindsight is a great thing and Rob and I both agreed this is what should have happened. I knew all 4 children were going to be here for a week and due to lockdown we couldn't do anything with them and just stay indoors. I wasn't mentally able to deal with this and wanted to be alone. The days went on and my mood was not shifting, if anything I was feeling more and more depressed. I had nothing to give, no energy, no fun, nothing. Rob started to get ill, more like a horrendous hangover and neither of us were wanting to do anything. I completely went into myself, wasn't really speaking just did what I could. I withdrew from Rob massively. We are a very affectionate couple and I love cuddling and kissing and being close but at this time I didn't want that, I just wanted the days to be over. So come Wednesday Rob suggested he should go and get a COVID test and I in my mental state didn't want him too. I thought why is he going to get one now when we had agreed I wasn't getting one the week before. I also knew that it meant the kids cant go to there Dads and my step kids couldn't go home. I needed the two days my kids were away to try and rest and recharge my batteries and try and get myself back to normal. Now anyone that knows me knows full well that I want my kids at home, not to send them away like they are some nuisance but I really did need this. Anyway turned out Rob had COVID which he got of course got from me and all the kids had to stay put. I had a melt down, I couldn't deal with having all 4 kids here for another 4 days, stuck in the house, nowhere to go. During that week I genuinely thought I was suffering with depression and that this dark mood was not going to shift. I kept thinking if only I was on my own, if only they could all go away and I could get a bottle of vodka, loads of my strong painkillers and knock myself unconscious for a few days. All I wanted to do was drink and I thought that would make it all better. Rob was also low because he was feeling unwell and it takes a lot for him to go into that low place, it was just horrible, all of it. My Mum and my friend Stacey said it will pass and it will get better but I didn't feel it would at the time. Rob was so upset and it was horrendous seeing him so upset but I was as cold as ice and couldn't comfort him. I blamed him for going for the test and putting me in this situation, Rob kept telling me how much he loves me and wanting to sort it out but I could not and would not say it back to him. It sounds horrible I know but my mental state was so bad and my anxiety was at another level. I knew I had home schooling and working everyday 9-5 and didn't know how I was going to cope because I wasn't mentally right to deal with it. It was all just one big storm. I put so much pressure on myself to do everything right so not being able to give the kids a good Christmas really upset me. Of course that was silly, they are very fortunate children and had lots of lovely things to open and they still had a nice day, they understand Mummy was not well. I felt like I had been ill for so long, tired, aches and pains all the time, just couldn't shift it. So when Rob got his Covid test we realised my Mum had it because she was ill as well and then she gave it to me and I gave it to Rob. If I had thought for a moment I had COVID I certainly wouldn't have seen my Mum. Through this whole pandemic she is the one I have worried about as she had COPD but luckily it didn't go to her lungs, yes she was ill but I was a lot worse so I am so grateful for that. My Step Dad now has it and had a positive test, he was a bit achy and no taste and smell but that was about it. We probably got it from the children but no one is to blame because it could have come from anywhere and anyone. My step kids could have brought it here or my kids Dad because he is out working everyday, you just don't know so I had to stop blaming myself. The last couple of days Rob and I have started to feel a lot better, Rob is getting his smell and taste back and I mentally a lot better. I have to overcome all these hurdles in my head until I calm down and realise its not the end of the world. Once I get my head around things I face them head on but when you are not in a good mental space even the littlest things like figuring out dinners is hard work! The home schooling was a kick in the teeth for me, like many parents but once I accept it then I will just get on with it. My youngest son hates it, he is a clever boy and doesn't struggle with the work at all but he just hates working at home and wants to go to school. My daughter just gets on with it bless her, she hardly makes a fuss unlike her Mother. In the last lockdown my kids went to there Grandparents for 2 days every other week to be home schooled so my step children could come over but I have said that this time they are staying at home so I can do it. Last time it was just to much for me them not being here from Friday through to the Wednesday. So this time needs to be different and unfortunately we cant have 4 kids here being home schooled and Rob has to work very long hours so its just impossible. The last few days have been good, Rob and I are back to our normal loving selves lol and the kids have been occupied with loads of new lego. I finally got the motivation to do a big clean today and I am just feeling a bit better everyday. Rob and I both know that because we were both poorly, 4 kids here and nothing to do, it was going to be hard. We were planning to go Centre Parcs but of course we couldn't do that, we had a mini break planned as well which got cancelled. So tomorrow is Monday and a fresh week. My kids need routine especially my youngest, he gets a little mischievous and short tempered having late nights etc so we are looking forward to things getting back to normal. They are all really good kids and considering they have been stuck in the house for 10 days they have actually got along well. Of course they have there moments, especially the two youngest!! They both wind each other up and then one of them always ends up lashing out. Or they wind up the eldest one and then he lashes out and I say to them well leave him alone then!! To be honest compared to how me and my siblings used to be its pretty tame.
I am so pleased that I didn't drink, that would have been the easy option but of course god knows what the outcome would have been. Staying sober is at its hardest when life is hard so getting through it without going to my go to poison is something I am proud of today. Safe to say I am so glad this Christmas and new year are over, decorations are down, house is back to normal and routine is starting again which I as well thrive on. I am very optimistic about 2021, good things are going to happen this year and I am sure some shit times are to come, but as long as I stay well away from the booze then everything will be ok. Rob and I have our kids, our families and of course we have eachother.
Happy New year everyone, lets hope its a good one (once this pandemic has done one!!!)
Lots of love
Stacey
xx
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