Day 38 - 1 month and 8 days alcohol free

So here I am 39 days alcohol free.  I suppose its so far so good, I have been doing all the right things.  AA meetings, reading, podcasts etc.  I decided to donate to a charity called Nacoa, I also offered to put my story onto there website which was great.  Its about children who live with alcoholics which I have past experience of, they offer support and advise and its an amazing charity.  I offered to then be a speaker and do volunteering and also do fundraising etc.  When I told Rob this, he wasn't happy, not because he doesn't think its a great idea but because he wants me to fix myself first and not put so much pressure on myself. This is where his protective side comes out. My Mum and Step Dad also said I was running before I could walk and I am only 5 weeks in and need to slow down. This is a typical me thing to do, I jump head first into things.  The intention is good and I absolutely will follow this through but they are all right, I cant offer people advise and do training as a councillor until I am better myself.  I need to put me first for a while and not everyone else, or so my parents and Rob say. :-) I will continue to work with the charity but all in good time.

Today started off as a crappy day. Rob went into the office for the first time in a long time so I wanted to have a chilled morning, maybe watch a scrummy film and have a cuppa before I went and got the kids.  Rob brought me in my morning cup of tea in bed like he always does and I sat in bed with Netflix on watching a new series called Gypsy. I could tell when Rob left he was anxious, he could sense something from me.  That man knows me inside out and often better than I know myself.  He went of to work and I got up and pottered about, hoovered, put a wash on etc.  I started to feel low, lost, restless and unable to relax. I cant explain it at all but I felt nervous, a sick feeling and I wanted Rob to come back. If I asked him he would have but I no way would do that unless I was desperate.  When I spoke to him he told me he had an emotional 20 minutes in the car, he said that the pain he felt when hearing me in drink was worse than being stabbed.  He has said many times he has never felt emotion like it in his life and its something so out of his control. He doesn't want to put the worry on me because he wants to support me.  I got upset hearing this because he is the last person in the world I want to cause pain and upset too.  I have caused him so much of this in the past through my drinking which makes me so much more determined to do this.  Yesterday I went out with my friend for the day shopping, it was lovely to catch up and it was a good day.  After I went to the Spar shop which also sells really lovely pies that Rob loves.  So I went there to get Rob one and whilst I was in the queue I was standing by the bottles of wine and could see all the vodka.  For the first time since I stopped I actually looked at it and imagined it going down my throat, that warm feeling it gives you and the instant sensation it gives you in that first gulp of alcohol. Even to have a shot of vodka straight and feel that instant hit.  All of sudden I missed that feeling, that buzz and then realising I wont ever have that again made me feel very anxious.  I didn't think much of it after that, I left and went home.  Rob had parents evening and then we had to get my Mums car that I am borrowing.  I told Rob in the car how I had felt and he was very understanding of course.  I didn't expect to feel like this the next day, I didn't want to drink but as soon as I was on my own and Rob who is like my comfort blanket wasn't here, I felt anxious and very on edge.  Rob told me to get showered and go out, so that's what I did.  I got ready and went and got my Mum and then the kids and went for a wander round the shops and had coffee. It made me not think about it and just get on with the day. 

My kids school have broken up a week early and I am so thankful because I get to have them home for 3 weeks.  Don't get me wrong they stress me out like all kids do but I love when they are home.  Obviously because there Dad and I are separated I get every weekend free and I have grown to love this now, I love the time Rob and I get to have together just one on one and no stress, just think of ourselves and that's it.  They stay with there Dad 2 nights every other week as well and this gives me a break from doing the 2 hour school run daily but I would rather them be at home, I hate that I have to share them but I know they love it and so do there Grandparents and there Dad so I wouldn't stop that.  I will never understand Mothers who say they have there kids all the time and its such a chore, they do everything etc, we are the Mums and its our job to nurture, raise and love them and I didn't have to share them I wouldn't! I really struggled in the first lockdown because the kids were gone from Friday to the Wednesday so my step children could come over and home school.  I missed my kids terribly, I wasn't used to them being away for that long and I hated every bit of it.  I am a very protective Mum, I see that they are my children and my responsibility, yes they have there Dad and he a wonderful Dad but to me they are mine and I become quite possessive about that.  Its my job to raise them as good human beings and there Dad is there for the fun stuff and tbh that's how I like it because I am there Mum. I never drank around them, hardly ever, they don't even see me as a Mum who drinks and I feel so grateful for that.  One day they will know and understand things if they want too that is, but in the meantime they see me as Mummy who loves tea and lemon juice which is true lol! I am so fortunate that all my demons have been hidden well so far. My danger was being alone and it was my own private time of self harm and self destruct I suppose, drink until I pass out. I wasn't grown up around drink and I certainly don't want to bring my kids up around drink indoors. I don't want to teach my kids its normal to drink at home most nights and if they thought I loved the wine I would crumble up with shame.  My kids are my life and like most Mums we couldn't and wouldn't be without them. I feel blessed every day to have 2 amazing children, polite, kind, hard working, clever humans.  Of course they both have there moments like all children but they don't give me many reasons to shout accept in the mornings when they don't move there little butts.  My daughter and I have an amazing relationship, its a bond that's unexplainable, we of course can not see eye to eye and because she is a very mature young lady she sometimes thinks she knows better than me.  There isn't much I don't share with her, I told her about the birds and bees when she was 9, I wanted her to know all about it before school told her. There is nothing she wont ask me about sex, periods or puberty, I am very open and will be there for her every step of the way when she goes through it.  There is a worry that comes with girls that is very different to boys.  Boys just crack on and get on with it like my son, nothing really fazes him.  Girls have so much pressure growing up, social media, secondary school.  Some girls are absolute bitches, jealousy especially.  I hope I have taught her to be a confident girl with a tough skin.  I understand bullying goes on and that's why I don't want her to be affected by this, to stand up for herself and to not ever be walked all over.  You get hit, you hit back twice as hard and never let people think they can treat you badly. I remember all to well in school the stuff you had to do to make sure you wasn't the next target by some billy big balls in the school!  My Mums and mine relationship is what I hope mine and my daughters will be when she is my age.  First and foremost she is my Mum and then she is my best friend.  I love her so deeply it hurts, we are so strongly connected emotionally and physically, I can feel her pain and she feels mine.  She is the least selfish Mum I know, she will never burden me with her problems ever, it is never ever about her and its a selfless love that only a Mother can have.  I have known some Mothers who play the victim, poor me, what about me.  She is nothing like that, its simply unconditional, selfless love.  I don't ever think about it but many times I have been in tears to my Mum saying how could I possibly live without you and if she died I would have to die too because I couldn't go on.  When I was I think 9 or 10 my Mum had a huge electric shock when my Dad was at work.  My younger brother and I were watching TV and we heard my Mum scream. I ran in and she was on the floor still, not breathing and her eyes wide open.  I thought she was dead, I remember the fear like it was yesterday, I called 999 and they told me to check her pulse, I didn't know what I pulse was.  I started to pump her chest and gave her mouth to mouth and nothing was happening, I was screaming Mummy please don't die.  Turns out that she was trying to fix the washing machine and was using a screwdriver, but she left the mains on.  If she hasn't had the rubber bit around the screwdriver she would have instantly died.  The reason she wasn't moving and her eyes were stuck wide open was because the shock had temporarily paralysed her.  Ambulance and my Dad turned up and she went to hospital and I went to the neighbours house with my friend Stacey and I just sat there in complete shock.  Another time was when my Mum had a brain haemorrhage,  actually called a subarachnoid haemorrhage which is an uncommon type of stroke.  I was 12 and it was after my parents had separated.  I remember being told she was in hospital and I had to go and see her because they thought she may die, of course I wasn't told that at the time. It was either going to kill her or cause brain damage.  Just as she was going down for surgery they done another scan and the doctor said the burst blood vessel had closed up! My Step Dad tells me that the doctor said this was some sort of miracle, it was unlikely she would come out of it unharmed, but she did.  She then later had a blood clot in her lung and was coughing up pure blood.  She has never once wanted pity after any of this, or special treatment and would never ever let me worry but of course I still did.  I love you Mum with all my heart and soul, you amaze me with your strength and wisdom, you are my whole life.  After this she should have given up drinking and smoking but that's all well and good in hindsight.  She got so mentally ill over the years after that and become and alcoholic.  They were awful times and it broke my heart to see her that way but of course as you get older you realise not everything is as black and white as you think. She lost her children, we moved back with my Dad out of choice because she was living with my Step Dad who at the time I didn't want to live with.  I can only now imagine what this done to my Mum and I can safely say on behalf of her that they were probably some of the worst moments of her life.  She came through it in the end and I will always be in ore of her will power and strength.

I always saw myself having 3 children, Rob and I discuss having a baby but we are so up and down with it.  We love our life, the home we have made and the 4 children we share together but there are moments when the urge to have a baby is quite powerful, I want him to be the Father to our baby.  Of course then come the downsides, going back to the baby years, sleepless nights, everything needs to get bigger and then I go back to not sure! We want to travel when the kids are older and see parts of the world together so having a young baby again sets this back by quite a bit! You can always find reasons not to do it but if its meant to be then I am sure it will be....

So today was a shit day and you know what, its not the not drinking that scares me its the battle, its the battle with myself and my mind.  That urge will come and go and today I phoned Rob, I phoned my Mum. I was going to call my one of my closest friends but had to rush of and get the kids.  Just phone people and talk is the best possible thing you can do. Get yourself busy and out the house, whatever you need to do to get through that day.  I have my people that love me and care so deeply and I never fail to be grateful for that.  When I was a single Mother it was very hard, not because of the kids, I loved it just being them and me but financially it was a struggle.  I had to claim benefits for the first time ever because I wouldn't even be able to pay rent.  My whole wage went on just paying for the house, and of course I got child maintenance from there Dad but I would never have asked him for a penny more.  My Mum had to convince me to claim because I had never done it and I felt ashamed. Of course this was foolish, the system is there for a reason to help people in those situations and thank god I did.  I was brought up to work hard for everything you want, no hand outs, be a grafter and pay your way, so the benefit system was my last resort because of how I had been brought up. I was told I could cut down my hours to get more money but there was no way I was going to do that, if I am able to work then I absolutely will. The one thing I can say about myself is I am not lazy, I will work and pay my way and never depend on anyone financially. Those few years were tough and when the kids were with there Dad and Rob wasn't there I would drink and drink and drink until I passed out. Looking back I was clearly not very well but I got through and I am proud of that. I was once called a gold digger but someone which did make me laugh at the time because if that person knew anything about me they would know I was nothing like that.  Rob and I are comfortable, we have a comfortable lifestyle but by no means rich so when someone says that, it does make you think how there mind actually worked at that time and whether that was a reflection of themselves. I am with Rob because I am deeply in love him more than anything, not the life he can give me and if that life got taken away from me it would be him I would miss not the lifestyle. 

I write this blog because it massively helps me and keeps me from not drinking, its a way to share with complete strangers and that it may help others. Over 500 people have read it and going up, so thank you everyone.  I have so much more to write about but seeing as this is only my 5th post I will save some back.

Thank you for reading.

Love Stacey

xx