Day 29 - 1 month tomorrow

Hello everyone! Firstly, I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone that has read my blog since my ‘day 6’. Over 400 people have read it so far and to say I am shocked is an understatement, I had no idea that so many people would actually read it. I am very grateful so thank you, thank you, thank you. Xx

So today has not been a great day, I think mainly just pure exhaustion because I have such a bad period and its just full on days.  I travel 2 hours a day to do the school run, dinners, work 9-5 (except Fridays) and on top of that just the normal housework etc.  Most days I crack on and don’t moan but some days I really do lose my shit which is just through pure exhaustion.  Us Mothers do so much that I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit, we are the ones the kids come too, never the Dads, they would run straight past my partner and come straight to me and even my step children do that.  I am fortunate that my other half is good, he is a clean and tidy person and does his bit around the house, however I will still get wound up by something he has or hasn’t done, haha! He works unbelievably hard at work, more than anyone I know but sometimes we like a little appreciation don’t we! Monday night the kids wanted the decorations up, they have been asking for days and it was only November! So I picked them up from school, done some more work, done dinner, had 2 parents evenings, Christmas decorations were then put up, cleaned and then kids went to bed.  I missed my AA meeting which I was gutted about. I was in so much pain with my shoulder as I have arthritis and waiting for an operation and I was exhausted. To say I was in a foul mood would be putting it nicely! That’s my problem, I go and go and go and Rob will tell me to stop, slow down, sit down but I don’t listen, and I literally wear myself into the ground!  Days like today would be the day I would normally have a sly drink or two.  Normal people get to crack open the wine after their busy day and the kids are in bed but I never really have since being in our new house, partly because of Rob but also I have been conscious not to be a drinker round the kids, hence why I did it in private.   Since really admitting I am an alcoholic I have had some real up and down days.  I guess now its normal to have some days where you feel guilty from your behaviour and the upset and worry I had caused the people I love and that love me. I feel guilty for my children and not because they have seen anything but because I have put myself in danger and that in turn puts them in danger of losing there Mother. When those feelings hit me they really do hit.  I then try and think of the positives, for example the kids haven’t had to see much, they have always felt safe and loved.  They have never seen me in a bad way or hurting myself.  All of it was a act of self harm and I did it in private and away from everyone, including my partner.  I know many women and Mothers who drink a hell of a lot more than me or more than I ever have done and around there children. So these are the times I decide to cut myself some slack.  I have managed to become sober and live in sobriety before my kids ever got any wind that there Mummy wasn’t well when alcohol was involved.

So now Christmas is coming up and if I’m honest I would love nothing more than to hide myself away with Rob and the kids and not leave the house. Seeing drink all over the adverts and all the daytime TV programmes (Bloody lockdown) still gives me that knot in the stomach and I still question why me?  Being in the presence of people drinking is something I haven’t had to do yet and I know it will be hard, very hard in fact. Its that feeling of missing out I suppose, the smell of it, seeing people relax after that first glass of wine. Thinking about it while I am writing it makes me nervous.  Of course I know I’m going to have too and I have to always tell myself why I am doing it, why I cant be like them, why I cant be a normal drinker.  I think that’s actually harder than the not drinking itself.  I have had everyone telling me how brave I am, how much they admire my honesty etc.  I don’t feel any of those things, for me I don’t feel I have a choice but to bare all.  It may sound strange but I feel this is what I am meant to be doing at this moment in time.  Writing it all down, sharing my experiences and my downfalls and putting it all out there.  I don’t know why but it feels right so I will just continue to do it until it doesn’t.  Obviously knowing my life is out there to see can feel a bit daunting but I think more so for Rob, he is very very protective of me and if he could I think he would wrap me in a bubble and keep me there! Lol!! He also sees how much its helping me and he knows that must be a good thing.  A young girl got in contact with me, she is only 14 and is struggling in her home environment as her Mother is an alcoholic and is verbally abusive.  It sounds horrific and of course I have said everything I can but I have told her to speak to a company called Nacoa who specialise with children who struggle with their parents drinking.  No child deserves to go through that and not feel safe in their own home environment, it makes me feel so sad for these poor children out there.  So much so I have offered to become a media representative for them, also to volunteer with raising money and talking to young children. Of course, I would have to have training but feel strongly that it’s something I would love to do.

My positive news this week is that my 10 year old daughter has passed her 11+ which is an exam children can take to get them into a selective school.  She passed with flying colours and we could not be prouder of her. I have been up and down with what school to send her too, do I send her to a state school or a grammar school! Grammar schools are known to be very hard schools who push you to your full potential, basically you have to love learning to want to go there and of course pass the exam.  I spoke to her teacher and she told me in her professional opinion Molly would thrive in a grammar school.  She would be in all the top classes If she went to a state school, but grammar would push her to what she is truly capable off.  The school we have found is number one school in the whole of the county and is the only one that takes children into Cambridge and Oxford.  She wants to be a child psychiatrist as she wants to help young children who suffer at home.  I am unbelievably proud of my daughter, she amazes me. She had no tutoring from me, Rob and I didn’t send her to be tutored (we did speak about it), she done it all by herself. I am not academic in the slightest and neither is her Dad so I believe she has got my Dads genes and his Dads genes.  What I did say to her was it doesn’t matter about how much money you could earn, or what the highest paid job is, the main thing is that you find your passion and your love for a job and that is what will create happiness. She is the politest, kind hearted, level headed girl I know and I feel truly blessed to be her Mummy.  She was my little miracle and still is every single day.  To live a sober life and be the best possible Mother I can be through some of the most important years of her life and be there for her in full body and mind is something I am so grateful to be able to do…..sober!

My sad news is that one of my dearest friends lost her baby. We got told the day she found out and I felt truly heartbroken for her, I was an emotional wreck. My poor darling friend who I love so dearly going through something so heart breaking. I have never lost a child so I cant even imagine the pain that someone goes through.  My partner lost his daughter about 14 years ago, she was still born so he of course understands her pain and he told me I just have to be there as and when she needs me and to not constantly cry when she is speaking to me.  Emotion and upset makes me want to drink as I don’t like feeling it but not one part of me wanted to drink alcohol, however upset I felt and heartbroken for her, the last thing I wanted to do was drink.  This made me think about real devastation and how people react.  When my Mum lost her parents she didn’t drink, now I was terrified when my Grandad died because I thought it would send her back to alcohol and that sort of grief would send her down to an even darker place she was in. But she didn’t touch a single drop, not once. In my opinion I think that sort of pain and grief that you feel in those situations is so awful and so dark that drinking isn’t an option, you are already numb and you no full well no amount of booze will take that pain away.  When my Nan died, I had Valium because I wasn’t coping but I didn’t hardly touch alcohol after she died and neither did my Mum. That pain is something you need to feel to be able to grieve.  Anyway….back to my friend, she is amazing, stunning, will be an amazing Mother and will go on to have a beautiful baby and I will be there for her every step of the way.  Having true friendships is rare nowdays, friendship that is unconditional, friendship that is truly forever.  I will never take that for granted.

Tomorrow will 1 month alcohol free which is great but I know so many hard times are ahead and wont stop being open and honest about it. I will feel like I have achieved something when I reach 1 year, I know that sounds like I am being hard on myself but for me that’s my goal and I need goals!   When I get to the point where I look at alcohol and think nothing of it, the day when I can be around someone drinking and say that’s fine, but I would rather not and not feel the slightest bit bothered or feel I am missing out.  Not thinking of the smell, taste or the feeling I can’t get anymore.  When I don’t think of any of this, I will know that I am CURED.  

I know one thing though and that my new sobriety life is going to be an amazing one. I am one of the lucky ones, I have my partner, my children, my family and my friends. I have marriage, maybe another child in the future but whatever it will be, I want it to be done sober.

Thanks for reading another long post.

All my love Stacey

xxx