***Firstly I need to correct my last blog. My Mum told me I had said my kids go to there Dads every weekend instead of every other weekend, so I just want to correct that statement because of course it is only every other weekend.***
6 week sober...I feel pretty pleased with myself because so far I haven't had many cravings. Of course I know I have a hell of a long way to go but still, 6 weeks.....go me! 👍
My kids are now home and need to be home schooled, trying to work and do this can be stressful, but...its only for a week. I was talking to my Mum yesterday because I wont be seeing her xmas day like many people and there families atm. She told me how much she was missing my older brother, he lives in Poland with his wife and 2 children. She hasn't seem him in over a year, November 2019. She said if she lets herself think about him too much, she gets very upset. Her heart pines for him and she misses him so much. I dont think she cares to much about not seeing him at xmas because she would settle with just seeing him. Made me feel very sad for her and of course I always miss him too but I suppose I have just got used to it.
BDP
Yesterday I had a phone call from a therapist that I had been referred too, to be honest I completely forgot about this as it was 6 weeks go. When I first had the crash I called a stop drinking helpline and they were great and asked me loads of questions. Turns out I didn't qualify for what they do because I wasn't physically addicted and by this I mean the shakes, feeling ill etc. As they explained that being an alcoholic isn't black and white and you do not need to drink daily and be pouring vodka on your cornflakes in the morning. I have a dependency but not a physical one. So anyway the therapist called me and she was so lovely. As usual I close up a little but as the conversation went on I started to relax. She asked me lots of questions about my drinking and my past etc. I told her my past and finished with "and that's it". She quickly said, "Stacey, you have been through serious trauma in your life and I now understand where the drinking stems from". She said that I should be very proud of myself that I am where I am, that I have 2 children, a loving partner and family, a job I have held down for 15 years and all whilst dealing with mental health issues! Ok well I never look at myself or pat myself on the back so actually this was very nice to hear. The next conversation was about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) it sounds scary doesn't it, sounds like I am some sort of split personality sort of person! She reminded me of what I was diagnosed with last year and asked about my medication. Now I haven't spoke nor mentioned this diagnosis since last year, I haven't felt the need too. Rob on the other hand has done a lot of reading on it and has really tried to understand it. She said that sometimes PTSD can get mixed up with BPD because they are so similar, she also said I should have my GP look into my medication. She asked if it helps me and I was honest and said "I have no idea" because I don't, I have been on it for 10 years so god knows if its helping or not. She said I should try and write a lot down and of course I mentioned that I am actually doing a blog which is helping me massively and she was very complimentary about that. She advised me to get a book called DBT, its a workbook for people who need the treatment, I straight away ordered it on Amazon. She set me some goals to do in the week and she will call me on Monday. The goals were:
- Put together a self soothe box (this could be a nice smell like a candle or some sort of comforter. A book that you refer back too, some special bath stuff. Anything that makes you feel calm. I didn't want to tell her that I have a blanket already that I smell all the time (yes I am 35!! 👀)
- Download an app called Insight Timer, she wants me to aim to do at least 5 mins of meditation daily. She said it takes practice and patience for it to actually help.
- Go for 3 walks alone.
- And of course, do NOT drink!
She said some people can feel that self love, self care is very indulgent and/or they don't have the time, however people like me need it more than the average person. I told her my chill time is baths. I love love love getting my nice smelly bath stuff, lighting all the candles and closing the door on the world. I also said I clean ALOT! She said this makes sense because if I don't have order and control then I start to feel out of control and that leads to stress, anxiety, anger etc. Hence why I make a lot of lists and tick of as I go on a daily basis. Some of the symptoms of BDP are:
- Impulsive behaviour (Self harm, drinking, drugs, dangerous behaviour)
- Sorrow
- Rage
- Feelings of emptiness of loneliness
- Severe mood swings
- Self harm or suicidal
- Unstable relationships (verbal abuse, loving the person 1 minute, next minute you hate them, black and white way at looking at relationships, no room for grey areas. "Go away/please don't go" state of mind.
So of course with anything, people have mild and severe symptoms. I have many of these but not suicidal or drugs. Arguments with my partner for me can be very hard because I am unable to cope with intense emotion, I say horrible things, things I don't mean. It feels like I can't control myself. I then lock myself away and want to literally smash my own face in but I am and have been learning to deal with this and it is so much better than it used to be. Rob has had to hide scissors before because he thinks I will use them. Most of the time the argument isn't that bad, it can start from the smallest thing, yet I cant process or deal with the argument if I feel I am being attacked (emotionally). He would forget it the next day but I will drag it on and on and say I want to break up and do something so drastic. Learning to control my intense feelings and emotion is something I think I will never stop working on. The only way I can describe it is that it is like the knob is turned to the maximum level and when it comes to showing feelings or emotion, it shows up like a big, powerful wave that can sweep me of my feet. Luckily the arguments don't happen often but my moods are very up and down. Rob knows what I need to do and if that means taking myself of to have half hour then that is what I need to do. They say that trauma from childhood can literally alter the brain structure in ways that make us more vulnerable to intense, negative emotions.
So this next bit is something I have been so unsure about writing as I have only ever told Rob this and I thought is it really necessary to put detail in but then I thought, why should I be ashamed and reading it may help someone and maybe help them to go to the police like I should have done.
I was 15 and was going down to Newquay with my Dad and little brother to stay at my Aunties hotel, little did I know that this was the hotel my Dad was going to be buying when I left school. Just a little side bar, I had seen a elderly women who was one of my best friends Nan. She was some sort of medium and when I went to her house she looked at me strangely and got upset, obviously I thought this was very strange. She told me not to go somewhere in a red car because something bad was going to happen. I never thought anymore of this until after what happened. I went down to Cornwall and my Dad's friend drove us in his red car. My cousins cousin was down there (lets call her Emily) and this was the first time I met her, we played pool and drank Smirnoff Ice at the bar in the hotel, only 1 or 2 because the adults were there. Looking back now I had a lot of freedom but then so did most kids in those days. Times were different, our parents didnt wrap us up on cotton wool. So me and 'Emily' decided to get dressed up and go to the pub up the road, I think we stole some drink from the bar and left. I remember exactly what I had on, a baby blue jacket, a black top, a while skirt and white loafers with a buckle on the front. I looked very young, so I don't know how we got served in a pub! So we walked up Esplanade Road looking out at Fistral Beach which is the road the hotel was on and walked up to the top to the pub. This is where I met Russ, I remember his face, he had brown hair and was not that much taller than me. He seemed nice and friendly and we got chatting and had a few hooches (a drink back then). He then asked us to go to a house party, I wasn't sure because as I have already said I am quite the introvert, but I would rather have gone out than go back to the hotel. I already got a funny feel for the place and wasn't sure it was for me. The house party was full of people who done pills and acid and listened to house music and I was never into anything like that and not my scene at all. I just carried on drinking. Russ was still being so friendly and then offered to walk us back when I knew I had to be leaving. Emily and I were drunk and she told me she fancied Russ and was going to make a move. However Russ had already made a beeline for me. We were walking back down esplanade and we were walking near the cliff edges, maybe to look out to the sea, I don't know. I was calling Emily as she was in front of me and as she turned around Russ had grabbed me and kissed me, I learnt after that she walked off because she was pissed of with me because I knew she liked him. What she didn't see was me pushing him away. That's when it all went wrong ( I am getting heart palpitations whilst writing this!) He grabbed me and started shoving his hands up my top and under my bra. I had no boobs, I was very flat chested and wore padded bras. I can actually remember the bra I had on! He then looked at me and said "you have nothing there" and just like that he punched me in the face and I went to the floor. We then somehow ended up in a B&B car park, I dont know if he dragged me or what (I think it was a B&B or a big house) it had pebble dashing on the walls, I wont say anymore because you can guess what happened next. I know there was pebble dashing because he smashed my head on it and I cut my head open. The next thing I know was I was walking down the hill to the hotel and I covered in blood, my baby blue jacket and my white shoes were covered. Emily was sitting on the balcony and took one look at me and started crying. I don't remember going to bed, I just remember waking up still in the clothes and my hair knotted with dried blood. I had a shower and I remember seeing all the blood coming out and falling to the shower tray, that's when it hit me. My Dad had no clue bless him, I didnt let him in the room and the next time he saw me I was clean. I threw the clothes away and kept the shoes once I had cleaned them. I never called the police, I was terrified, scared my Dad would find out, I knew it was my word against his. I think now that if I hadn't showered and gone to the police then things may have been different but I didn't, I was a young girl who didn't have a clue and for a long time blamed myself. If I could tell my younger self one thing I would say, it's ok, you didnt do anything wrong, you DID NOT deserve it, he is a monster and tell people and to not be ashamed. My life pretty much spiralled then. When my Dad told me we were moving there and to live on that road I was heartbroken. For the first summer living there at 16 I just went out and drank, I moved my friend in the hotel with me (who still lives in Newquay now) and we had a good time or so I thought. Once my college days started and real life set it I feel deep into depression, I missed my Mum terribly, I yearned for her and needed her. One day my Dad told me I had to go home to my Mum and get well, he then said "please come back sweetheart" but of course I never did. All the years I have been going Newquay because my Dad still lives there but sold his share of the hotel, I have started to feel depressed after being there for a few days, its only now I feel strong enough to be there and not let it have that affect on me (I think). It was never my scene, I never fitted in with the people, they all loved drugs, pills, acid, house music etc, I always felt very uncomfortable. My Dad bless him really did try when I lived in the hotel, done up my room, made it so lovely for me but the depression just took over and even though I wasnt thinking about the rape 24/7, it was always there in the back of my head. The scar it left on me. Even to this day if I feel I am being attacked in some way, the rage that comes over me is awful and that is something I am always working on.
If I could offer any advise to someone that has gone through it, I would say tell someone, let people help you, don't suffer alone and if you can then call the police. Understand your pain and deal with that pain and please do not bury it because it is by far the worst thing you can do. Its something no women should ever have to go through and the men that commit these crimes should be arrested. Dont ever think it is your fault because you always have the right to say NO and in some cases change your mind. I have seen many councillors over the years but nothing helped for me. It has taken me and me alone to want to get better and to change some destructive ways that I have. So I will read the new book and many more, I will do the meditations, I will learn that there is a better way to deal with emotion and will do that in whatever way I can. I know I am always growing and learning and I will keep going, I am only 35 and still have many many years of happiness in front of me. I am so grateful for so many wonderful things in my life and I know how lucky I am. The traumas are what make us who we are, we need to the best of it, not let it destroy us.
Thank you for reading and sorry for rabbiting on!
Love Stacey
x
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