Day 8 - Been feeling like shit

So yesterday (day 7) I felt like crap, not emotionally but physically. Tired, washed out, fat!  Normally I blame all this on PMS but not possible this week!

The day after the crash I was unbelievably depressed, remorseful of course but also just in a very very low mood. Crying on and off for a good 3 days and went very in to myself.  This lasted a few days and if I'm honest I was wallowing in self pity which really is pretty godam selfish seeing as it was all my fault but there you go...we are quite selfish people at times!  My partner wasn't angry with me which I wasn't expecting because all the other times I have messed up we would always have a blazing row.  This time was different because he wasn't angry anymore, he was genuinely petrified for my general wellbeing and my life, he knew he had no control over this, it was down to me.  He has had to put up with so much heartache from me and my drinking for years now and he has had to witness so much, but he still decides to stick by me.  Now I'm not silly, I know that everyone has there breaking point and I truly believe he was coming to his.  The thought of losing him petrifies me but not only that, I have so much respect for him and when I drink that all goes out the window.  He told me when he was on facetime with me trying to find out where I was before the crash, I just laughed at him and all he was doing was trying to find the women he loved and get her home safely.  I am not losing him because of the drink devil that's for sure.  The drink devil can simply fuck off.....

They say alcohol dependency is in your family genes, so if your Mum or Dad were alcoholics then there is a chance you will be too.  Now this may be the case, I am no gene expert. However there are many many people who have a problem with drink and drugs, yet there parents done neither and that person had a very idyllic upbringing.  Same goes if you have a very bad upbringing and go through trauma, many many people don't grow up and turn to drink and drugs.  I am not saying there isn't something in your gene pool that contributes with alcoholism but I do believe that everyone has a CHOICE and it was my CHOICE to go down this path but not my CHOICE to get addicted.  Alcohol is a drug, it is made from ethanol which is a poison. In terms of addiction alcohol, mental and physical is still one of the most harmful drugs, more deadly than tobacco, cannabis, cocaine , ecstasy and ketamine yet we are made believe that's its ok to drink it in large quantities. So with all this and the fact I have an addictive personality, I think the odds were against me.

My Nan drank, my Nans sister died from alcohol, my Mum became an alcoholic so with all this, of course I was going to go that way too, so I used to tell myself!  However I cant and wont believe this because that means either one or both my children will be addicted to alcohol and I point blankly refuse to believe this.  I cant comment on my Nanny because I just remember her being the best and most cuddly Nan in the world, but my Mum I can.  Now I don't ever remember drinking being part of my childhood, I rarely saw my Mum drink unless we were at a party or on holiday but rarely see her drunk.  I never see her or my Dad drink indoors, like ever!  In fact I had a lovely childhood, I didn't go without, some might say spoilt but of course ill disagree, ha ha.  It was very idyllic, lovely house and 2 brothers. I felt loved, safe and in fact didn't ever want to be away from home. I am still like this now, such a home girl!  So my drinking wasn't learnt behaviour from a young age that's for sure.  My Mums drinking started after my parents separated and my little brother and I stayed with my Dad because I wouldn't go and live with my Mum.  Now I am older I realise how tough and devastating this must have been for my Mum. If I lost my children to there Father I cant say I wouldn't have turned to alcohol. Which makes me think, how would I ever deal with real heartache like people have done. I had to take Valium for my Nans funeral because I simply am or thought I am not strong enough to deal with that sort of pain, so how people get through tragedy without help from drugs or an alternative state (as in alcohol) I will never know!  My Mums drinking got worse when we moved to Cornwall, my brother was only 10. This is my daughters age, so now I imagine my daughter moving to Cornwall, 6 hours away and quite frankly I would become ill without my children, my life in my eyes wouldn't be worth living.  So after this my Mum became very ill and very poorly.  There were some horrific times I had to witness with my Mum, things that I will never forget, they are literally printed within my brain and my heart, something no child should see.  Back then I was so angry with my Mum, I couldn't understand why.  Well now I understand more than ever, she was very poorly, mentally and physically.  My Mum carried a lot of guilt for a long time but I will never let my Mum hold any guilt for that, ever! She simply doesn't deserve it.  She really did hit rock bottom and she dug herself back up and I will always be so unbelievably proud of her, she is the strongest women I know and I am so proud that she is my Mum.  You  and I get to be her daughter. You would think after seeing someone you love unconditionally turn into someone else in drink that I wouldn't do the same! Doesn't work like that though, does it?  My Mum now and has been for many years a very happy and contented women who really has overcome many of her demons and my god I am so proud. I say to myself if my Mum can come back from all that then I certainly can. 

When my Mum and Dad separated I was 11, by the time I was 13 I had started drinking, but then so were some of my friends (white lighting cider in the park!!!). I of course blamed my rebellion on my parents.  Then over the years at some point I have blamed my Mum because of how ill she got.  When I was 15 I was badly and violently raped, now of course this has a massive affect on people but I blamed this as well. It has of course had a massive affect on me and I have seen many therapists because of it but none ever worked until my last one.  This will always be a trauma for me but not an excuse for me to drink.  People lose people, some more tragically than others, some lose children and still don't turn to drink.  I then separated from my now ex husband and of course used that as an excuse.  So nearly 5 years later, in a very happy relationship, love him like I have never loved before, a healthy and happy family, amazing friends, a good job that I have had for 15 years, 4 amazing children and yet I will try and find some excuse as to why I drink. Never just admitted "Stacey, you are simply an alcoholic.  I wont deny I have mental health issues and I truly believe they will always be there, however I know how to manage this but being addicted to alcohol will always make it 100 times worse.

I am actually writing this and shocked that I have just told one of my darkest secrets about my sexual abuse, yet I feel some sort of buzz from saying it out loud to you all. Why should I be ashamed of these things, this happens to women all over the world everyday and I actually feel liberated. If this can help just one person I would be so happy.

Yesterday I have opened up an Instagram page called 'Why Mummy doesn't drink' and already I am shocked at how much support is out there for alcoholics.  Everyone is amazing and so many people are in the exact same boat as you. I had a message from my best friends brother who has now been sober for 8 years! They lost there brother a few years back and even through that tragedy, he didn't relapse, I mean if that if isn't strength I don't know what is. Every message I get gives me that little bit more of a push.  I am going crazy with reading everything I can, researching everything I can.  I want this so badly that I know I will succeed this time,  I will have all the tools and support I need.  For me the test will be in a few months when I feel good and back to normal. That drink devil will come back on my shoulder and tell me its ok, you are normal, you can just have a few on special occasions, you can be like everyone else. This is when I will use all my tools and my strength to overcome this and also everyone that is there for me through this. I have never been for determined.

I think the reason I have started doing this blog so quickly after stopping drinking is because I have finally reached my last rock bottom, for the first time EVER I can see my life without alcohol in it.  And for some reason this blog is really helping me so far and I think its because I am putting it out there for the everyone to see,  my own little therapy, even if only 3 people read it, I feel its out there which is helping me more than ever.

So Monday night I done my first ever AA meeting, to say I was nervous was an understatement.  I had no idea what to expect, well actually that's a lie.  I expected to see a group of rough individuals, the type you see on a park bench with cans of cider.  I mean, seriously what the hell! Of course they wasn't, they were just like me, everyday people who have the same disease as me. I didn't speak until the very end when the host said if anyone wants to stay on please do.  So I stayed on and finally spoke, of course I cried as I knew I would and I also starting sweating buckets, (I sweat when I'm nervous lol) I was so nervous to speak.  They were the kindest, most supportive people who far from judge you, they just listen and encourage you to keep coming back....well I definitely will be.  Thank you to my friend who is also living an alcohol free life for encouraging me to join. xxxx

Last night I had a dream and when I tell you this you'll think I am crazy lol!  I was back in a century like the 1700's maybe, but not sure.  Anyway there were these people who were having there insides taken out, I am talking livers, intestines, blood everywhere! There was a women on a table being butchered whilst she was alive by these men. Could have been me, but I'm not sure. It was more like a nightmare than I dream and absolutely horrific, never had a nightmare like it. Plus I cant even watch that stuff on TV/Films, let alone dream it. So of course I ring my Mum and ask her what it meant, she googled it and sent me this. 

 'If you have a dream that you or someone else has disembowelled, the definition is not as disgusting as you would think, this merely means that you feel like you are open for everyone else to see.  You feel like you have tried hard to keep your insides to yourself but now everything is being divulged and taken out of you.  So in a one way this dream is not so gruesome.  Perhaps you are being disembowelled because you realise that there is something in the waking world that you need to let out and let other people know about what is going on'.

Now this literally does describe what is happening and somewhere in my sub-conscious I know that this is the right thing to do and that is to literally spill my guts for everyone to see.

Today I felt abit better, I went for a walk and met my best friend of 34 years, every time I talk about it, it just reinstates everything I need to do. I am fortunate enough to have 4 close friends in my life, they are all amazing and are there for me every step of the way. I don't need many fake friends, I have my girls and that's all I need.  So Stacey said I should try something that makes me feel good, like Pilates.  Now unfortunately I am not the exercise type, my god I wish I was.  I have told myself so many times I am going to go to gym, I am going to go on walks, I'm going to ride my bike (which has a basket on it and makes me feel I am in the film Little Women), I am going to go running, do Pilates on you tube. I start and it lasts for a week and that's it, I have always been that way.  So what I thought I would do is just take day by day and not push myself to start doing some crazy exercise regime that I wont stick too or kid myself that I am going to go for a walk everyday.  I live in the beautiful countryside so it would actually be lovely.  My thought process is now this.  Do the things I enjoy atm, for example my blog, I am loving this.  I enjoy reading, puzzles (old I know!), colouring, snuggling up and watching movies, baths with essential oils and candles.  All of these things I love.  Outside of this I love singing, I love drama, I would love to do this one day  as a hobby.  I think doing these things and doing exercise will come naturally in time.  I have decided to let my body and mind go with what it wants to do in its own time and put no pressure on myself.  I am never going to be a gym fanatic or a runner, but for my own wellbeing I think I will eventually start something small but only time will tell.  Right now I am taking care of me as best as I can and what will be, will be.  Que sera sera!

Today we also found out how much my car would cost to fix, lets just say its not cheap. £££££.  The only way I can look at this, for my own mental health and sanity is that this was meant to happen. I was meant to have the crash, I was meant to hit my last rock bottom and that is the cost I/we have had to pay.  Yes its just money, yes we can always earn more but that doesn't help when you have to pay it out.  Having this accident has been my saving grace because for whatever reason, which I cant explain, a switch in my head has turned on and I have never been more determined.  I am ready for whatever this drink devil asks for, I know he will ask to be fed, I know he will try and convince me that I am not an alcoholic, I know he will tell me "Stace everyone does it, its fine" and I know that if I ever give in to him, even just once, he will just get louder and louder and next time I may not be so lucky.

So here is to another 8 days alcohol free.  We can do this, I can do this, we have got this.

Lots of love to you all.

 

Stacey xxx