Day 14 - 2 weeks sober

Day 14

2 whole weeks! Honestly, I don't know where the time goes.  Its been quite a while since I went without a drink for 2 weeks.  All I have craved is sugar, constantly eating chocolate or biscuits and at the moment prefer that over proper substantial food.  So safe to say, if this carries on I will be piling on some serious pounds!!  So on Sunday (day 12) was the first time I actually craved alcohol.  Me and my partner wasn't getting along and as usual the first thing I wanted to do is take the emotional, horrible feeling away with drink.  Of course I didn't and wouldn't have, I really believe I am in the frame of mind where nothing could push me to doing that.  I know where it leads and I really don't want to go back to square one and start again, even if it is only 2 weeks.  So another thing about me is I used to self harm, in fact sometimes still do.  I have cut myself in the past and have done in the last year but that's when I have been in drink and very low and always always by myself, when kids and my partner are not around.  But mainly I hit myself, I know this sounds strange and maybe laughable, not that its funny. So when I get myself so worked up and angry I have to really stop myself from punching myself in my face....yes, I punch myself, I mean WTF!! So obviously I don't make a habit of this but I have done it for many years now. I can only think its because I am aiming that anger and pain at myself. This is why I know I am so bad with emotional pain, I need to express it in some sort of way and when my anger gets so bad the only person I can aim that anger out is at myself.  Since seeing Kat I have found other ways to deal with it but even now I really do struggle and have to take some real deep breaths to keep me calm.  I am aware I am making myself sound like some sort of crazy women, but honestly I'm not, I just get myself so worked up into such a state, I don't know where to put that anger.  Self harming is a mental illness and I have known someone very close to me who used to do that and its so devastating.  Fortunately I have never been like that but I know how serious it is.  I mean self harming can come in all sorts of ways, don't you think?  Drinking to excess, blacking out, putting ourselves in dangerous situations. These really are another type of self harm.  Not treating our bodies with the respect it deserves, because lets face it, as soon as we are a few glasses in, we just don't care!  So anyway the reason I am saying all this is because Sunday was one of those days, me and my partner had a row over nothing as usual and I just got myself so worked up so because I couldn't drink, I only had one emotional outlet and that was to give myself a slap about.  #funnynotfunny

I used to have bad anxiety attacks when I was younger, from about age 15.  This was always triggered by something emotional.  About 6 years ago my Mum gave up smoking, she called me and told me she had been to the doctors and that they had diagnosed her with COPD.  Straight away I imagined the worse, I thought ok she is going to die, she wont live for long (bloody google diagnosis), my Nan had it and died of it so of course I got this all in my head.  I got myself in such a state that I hyperventilated and passed out.  My panic attacks consisted of feeling like I couldn't breath, like someone was sitting on my lungs, my lips would be pulled in and go purple, my fingers would become like claws (imagine a lobsters claw) that's what mine looked like, I would then pass out.  The hospital told me the reason you pass out is because your body shuts down so it can essentially restart itself and regulate your breathing. These were pretty terrifying at the time and for the people who had to see them, but now I sort of laugh about what I must have looked like with claw fingers and tight lips! Ha ha. I mean if you cant laugh at yourself, you'll just cry!  Luckily I haven't had one for years and I hope it stays that way. I have days where I feel anxious and no idea what about, its a feeling like something is sitting on your chest all day and you just cant get a deep breath, my family will say "is something on your mind" and the answer is always no because I genuinely don't know why.  I take sertraline (100mg) and have done for about 10 years, since my daughter was 9 months old.  I used to be on 250mg, then dropped to 200mg and more recently come right down to 100mg.  Now I look back I really wish the doctor had given me more options. I was a first time Mum and an anxious one too.  I used to get so paranoid she would not be alive when I woke up or suddenly just die.  Was always checking on her breathing, like every 15 minutes.  I am pretty sure most Mums are like this with there first.  So when she moved into her own room at 9 months old I got worse, I started not being able to sleep at night, up checking on her, sitting by her cot.  I was very emotional, crying all the time, angry, OCD went through the roof lol!  I didn't think it was PND because Molly was already 9 months old and I just knew it wasn't.  So I went to the doctors and they asked me a few questions and said to go on sertraline, since then I have never been able to come off them.  He never asked me about my hormones, never asked what birth control I was using, not a thing, just stuck me on tablets.  I was only 24 so of course I just did as I was told.  Over the past year or so I have read more and more about hormones and what our body goes though in each cycle, I have religiously tracked my cycle and worked out where I am at every stage. So firstly I am NOT good with added hormones, a very hormonal women should NOT have additional hormones added to her body.  This was something the doctor failed to realise because at the time I actually had the implant, turned out this was making me go slightly crazy and of course as soon as I had it out, gone went my insomnia and my more than usual foul moods and also along came by son! However by this time I was already reliant on the sertraline. So as I was saying, the past year or so I have read  a lot on cycles and hormones, reason being was because I found my drinking would be worse at certain times of the month and I would also react differently when drinking. When I stopped drinking for the first time I read up a lot about this. Also just to help with me with my moods.  So with a cycle you have 4 phases, winter, spring, summer and autumn. So how I think of it is this...Autumn is my PMS, this is probably day 21/22 of my cycle, around 6 days before my period. This is when the progesterone hormone is the dominant one, it makes you feel like shit! Tired, angry, tearful, low moods etc and in my case made me want to drink even more. Winter is my period (day 1 of my cycle) oestrogen and progesterone both decline rapidly. I actually notice a relief sort of feeling when I come on because I know slowly but surely I will start to feel better.  When I come off its Spring which is dominated by oestrogen which essentially wants us to have sex and create a life and this continues going into your summer phase. (got to love biology) I have a lot more energy at these times and even my partner says its like an obvious shift in my behaviour, I am more chilled and relaxed, understanding, easy to speak to etc, basically I wont bite his head off, yay!!  When I stopped drinking the last time, I really paid attention to my cycle and worked all this out and it was amazing to understand my body and why at certain time I would feel so crap and low. Its easy to say "oh yea its PMS" but actually understanding exactly what is happening to your body is amazing.  This was all good when I wasn't drinking but then when I started to drink again that all goes out the window.  I know full well its bad news if I drink when I am in my autumn stage because I become very very depressed. 

The last few days I have been feeling low and unfortunately I cant blame this on PMS because I am only day 17, however I do know that I am very sensitive to hormone changes which happens around this time so could be that as well.  Since finally admitting my flaws and realising I am an alcoholic, I have had some up and down days, more down that up at the moment.  I keep trying to not be so negative on myself but sometimes its hard not to be.  I done AA again yesterday (day 13), its a all women group and I actually really like it.  You are able to share anything you want and you listen to peoples stories or just how there day has been.  I wanted to speak and I kept going to put my hand up but I couldn't do it. I really do struggle to open up personally to people and speak about my feelings, which is probably why I love doing this blog because I can be so open and honest yet no one is there in front of me.  Anyway I eventually plucked up the courage to say something so I messaged the host privately and asked if I should just put up my hand, I clicked send and instantly felt like I could be sick, my heart thumping and I was sweating, honestly I get so bloody scared! As soon as I sent it she said "ok everyone, that's it for sharing".  I took a deep sigh of relief and thought, ok maybe next time! Hearing these ladies stories is so refreshing especially if you can even slightly relate, so I will get there with my share, just need to do it and not overthink it.

So the next week or so I am going to start thinking of ways I can help myself when I get that dreaded craving for alcohol. I know that eventually my sub-conscious or the wine witch, or the drink devil will tell me to do it and will want me to surrender, obviously I intend to do no such thing.  Here are a few things I am thinking.

• listen to a hypnosis app (I have already done this and I must say I am very impressed and will happily listen to it again and again. Its called Stop Drinking by Andrew Johnson)
• Read, read, read.  (I really think this helps me, the more I read about drinking, the more I don't want to ever do it)
• Paint and colour by numbers (I love doing these and love the end result)
• Cleaning (not for everyone but helps me)
• Take a long bath and watch Netflix
• When I want to drink, call my partner, Mum, friends (this is a big one for me because I have never done it and I know once I have said it out loud then it will be ok)

I want to put exercise, however I am not going to kid myself I pretend I am going to start working out. I think just going for a walk for me is a good start, so I will see how I go!

A trigger for me is the shops which unfortunately with a family, I cant avoid.  As soon as you walk into a supermarket, drink is everywhere, all the offers, all the wine staring at you telling you to buy it.  All the miniature bottles of gin and vodka, all the cans of gin and tonic and some for only 99p!  Drink is all over facebook and Instagram, all over the TV shows.  It is literally everywhere isn't it?  Facebook is the worst, all the Mums showing of there wine in the evening.  If at the school gate all the Mums were saying "oh I cant wait to get home to rack up a line of coke, had such a stressful day" eyebrows would be raised.  Yet a drug as bad as alcohol and a much bigger killer and much more highly addictive substance is ok to be drunk at home when the kids are asleep. 

Anyway I have probably bored you all silly.

Here is to another 2 weeks. 

Thank you for reading.

Love Stacey xx

 

p.s. here a song that I have been listening to a lot and the words are so poignant to me right now.

You are not alone
I'm always there with you

And we'll get lost together
'Til the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won

Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you cannot bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not

Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
'Til the light comes pouring through

'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the world's crashing down
And you can not bear to crawl, baby you're not lost